Light of Mine (RusAme)

Chapter 53

I waded over to the wastebasket on the side of his left dresser and tossed them in. However, my eyes saw something before I threw them in and I tilted my head.

My hands pushed the papers aside and grasped onto a book. I pulled it out of the ruble and inspected the front of it.

It had a rough, light brown, leather cover with no title in sight. There were small nacks in the tough cover that made it seem older and decayed. A little bookmark strap rested in the inside pages, clasped in the midsection.

I stood up and took a seat on the bed, as I opened to the first page.

'Dear diary, Have you ever wondered what your destiny is? What you were put on this planet to do? Why you were put in the worst place at the worst time? I have, and I don't like it.'

I quickly slammed the book shut. This was wrong, oh so very wrong. I shouldn't be looking at this. This was private information that I wasn't supposed to see.

My hands started to quiver the longer I held onto the stacked sentimental pages. There was so much thought and feelings poured into them that I couldn't possibly go looking at it.

But...

You know what they say...curiosity killed the cat.

Ever since last week, I hadn't gotten a straight answer from America on anything really. He had been up tight and always left things where I couldn't fully comprehend what he was talking about. It was as if he didn't want me to understand.

I slowly opened the fragile book and edged my eyes along the loopy handwriting. The first page was basically a list of things that happened to him and to others around him over the years.

I felt rather insulted by the second one, which had him complaining about sharing living quarters with me. I couldn't be too surprised though, since I felt the same way towards him. It also mentioned some of his states and how America was worried that their house would burn down or would get infested with bugs. Ridiculous stuff that he made seem normal.

The next was about our truce and me appearing nicer by holding some doors open. I didn't think much of the simple act at the time, nor did I know, but he did. America added that he was proud of his states that no disasters went down while he was away, except for when a tickle attack was made against his littlest state; Hawaii. This was also the first time the staged attack on Mexico was recorded.

Eventually, the entries shifted to talking about me and his states only. I could definitely tell that this book was a place where emotions ran rampant, a place to collect his thoughts.

The more pages I flipped through, the more desperate he seemed to get about his states and the more he expressed his feelings towards me.

I reached one particular where he asked me about relationships between countries. I didn't know why he asked me at the time, I just assumed that he needed something to talk to me about, but now I realised that it wasn't for that, it was to see how I'd react.

And I reacted by saying demons...a bit harsh now that I think about it.

With each word I read, an arrow of longing lodged itself deeper in my heart. He had so much hope that things would turn out differently than they did, but I shut them down.

The last complete entry was done the day before the talk we had. It was a conglomeration of him psyching himself up and complimenting me.

It made me smile, until I recalled how things really went. I basically called his feelings a fraud and made excuses. I could have at least kept things short and sweet by saying I didn't like him, but of course I didn't.