1991

1991 Part 21

"Sorry, had a thing and you're really upset...but I know it's a big ask but it would really mean a lot to me." 

"You don't need my permission, you go ahead," I start smearing the frosting left on the plate and angrily sucking it from my finger.

"Yes, I know I could but I don't really want to meet them in a public place, I feel a bit anxious about bars you know that and plus if you were there you could help me fill in the gaps. Explain what happened, with them too, give me a full picture of what happened." Becky sounds like she is pleading, I can't bear to look her in the eye. Meeting up with the guys will mean seeing Eddie and I haven't seen him since the other night at practice when he disappeared with Beth. I've not answered the phone or seen anyone since, except for Becky today and that's only because I called her. 

"Thing is Beck, I just don't know if I can do it," I stammer, "be there with him." I think about explaining how I feel, how much Eddie has hurt and humiliated me but I just don't have the energy. 

"Maybe it's not what you think Sam," Becky says quietly, "I'm sure he can explain."

"D'you know what Beck? I've had about enough of everyone saying that, I really don't need to hear it from you too," I spit. 

"I just think you should think about it," Becky finishes her coffee, "we all know how stubborn you can be."

I'm just about to answer back when I realise she's right. I am really fucking stubborn, there's no denying it. But I just can't bear to be made a fool of any more. I really liked Eddie, maybe even more than that. Maybe. I opened myself up to him like I'd never done before and trusted him implicitly. It was only a couple of days but I'd never acted that way previously, I didn't sleep around and I certainly didn't fuck virtual strangers in bathrooms. I'd had one boyfriend before Eddie. One. Most of the last three years had been spent in adoration of the repugnant Nick and look how that turned out. I'd wasted my time on a would be date rapist and then run straight into the arms of a womaniser. That summed up the extent of my love life, so stubborn didn't seem so stupid right now. 

"They all backed him up Beck, they lured me away so he could disappear with some other woman," that was what had really hurt. To be manipulated and lied to by the rest of the guys. How fucking shitty was that. "I'm not interested in some stupid fucking frat boy mentality, they can all get fucked."

Becky lets out a big sigh.

"What if you're wrong though? What if you've got this whole thing wrong and you're throwing away this guy for a misunderstanding? How will you feel then?"

"Just so long as I don't get made to feel like an idiot I don't care, it's a chance I'll take Beck." I stuff my book in my bag ready to leave, at the last moment I look at Becky.

"Do you think it's a misunderstanding, when you heard what happened at practice I mean? Did you think I was wrong?" I look into her eyes, sure she knows that chances are I'm not wrong. 

"I dunno Sam, I just know that neither of us are the best judge of character," she says and then adds thoughtfully, "How bad can a guy be if he saves a complete strangers life and sits in her puke waiting for an ambulance to come?" She shrugs and looks away.

Becky's words stop me for a moment. I hadn't thought of it like that. I look at Beck's face. 

"I'll think about it, will that do?" I say 

Becky grins and kisses my cheek.

----------------------------------------------------

At home I find Kev in front of the TV watching Growing Pains and drinking a beer. 

"Ed called, again," he says without looking up, too involved in whatever lame trouble Kirk Cameron is up to this week, "I got sick of answering so I turned the machine on and left it running."

I look at the machine by the stairs, the red light flashing angrily at me. I walk over and am just about to press play when I decide to call Kirst instead. I just can't deal with hearing his voice, that ache inducing voice of his that turns me to jello.

"Sam! Where've you been? I've been calling and calling you."

"I..I..just couldn't K, I just needed some time to think." I sink onto the bottom stair and let the floodgates open. Kev silently walks to the fridge, grabs a beer, opens it, hands it to me and sits back in front of the TV without saying a word. God I love my honorary brother.

"Oh babe, I'm so sorry!" K says softly. I want to ask her so many questions, has Stone said anything, has he mentioned Eddie, has he mentioned me? Stone was the only one who didn't get involved with distracting me, maybe he's pissed with them too? 

"Have you spoken to Eddie?" she asks.

"No, why would I?" I pout.

"Oh, I just wondered. He's really upset Sam." So she does know something, Stone must have said something.

"He fucking left me K, and disappeared with another girl, at practice!" I yell.

"Yeah, I know, Stone said."

"Why are you so fucking calm about this?" I rant, confused by Kirst's blase attitude to some dude fucking over her best friend.

"I'm sorry Sam, I know it's shit and I'm really fucking angry with him too..."

I wait for Kirst to finish, she's left the sentence hanging there.

"...but I've seen him babe, and he's devastated, like utterly devastated that you won't speak to him."

Is she kidding? What the fuck is going on?

"Let me get this straight K, you're worried about Eddie? Philandering Eddie, who got his friends to distract me while he fucked some girl in the alleyway outside the practice studio?" I'm seething.

"Who told you that!?" K asks, sounding genuinely shocked.

"Does it matter? I was there, he ditched me, his friends all distracted me and he ditched me for some fucking 'Beth'" I say her name like it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

"What the fuck?"

"Exactly, do you get me now?"

"No, I mean what the fuck are you talking about? That's not what Stone said."

"No? Well maybe Stone was too busy with you to notice his best friend fucking me over."

"That's not fair Sam," K sounds hurt.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry K, I'm just really fucking angry," I sigh and rub my head with my hand.

"Yes, I can tell," K chuckles, "I'm serious though, that's not what Stone said happened."

I'm tired, so very tired of all this. All the pain and embarrassment, I wish I'd never met Eddie Vedder. An image of Eddie in my bed, laughing with his head thrown back, his dimple showing and his wildly infectious grin pops into my head. I miss him.

"She's an ex Sam, Beth is an ex, they've not been together for a while. Stone said they were together for a long time but it ended."

"So why show up and why disappear together?" 

"I dunno, all I know is Stone says Eddie's a good guy and I believe him."

I think about what Kirst is saying and change the subject.

"Beck wants to do the meet up thing, she says it will help jog her memory or give her some reassurance that she was in safe hands. It's to do with her counselling."

"Ok, well that sounds great, we can still do that for her right?" Kirst says putting me on the spot.

"I don't know K," I mutter, "I don't know if I can, I'm so embarrassed and angry with all of them."

"Yeah I know but what about Becky? You can do it for her though right?" 

I think about what Kirst said, about Stone being sure that Eddie is a good guy, about what Becky said about him saving a complete stranger and all the way back to what Kirst said on Friday, a good guy with an edge. 

"Maybe," I reply.