Breaking In

Chapter 54:

Three more days passed without another word from Jax. Cameron had the police looking into every angle, trying to come up with a way to find him. Ron told me that the blood found on the scene was enough to be concerned, but there wasn't enough there to say it was a fatal wound. Everyone was still holding out hope that the big little dude would be found alive.

I was grateful to everyone who had offered their help to find him. Our house had become a secondary police station. Even Buzzy and Kelly were flittering in and out at all hours of the day. Kelly would still give me dirty looks when she saw Cameron touching me, but she was at least respectful of the situation enough to keep her mouth shut. Everyone was putting their own feelings aside to help us find my brother.

Buzzy informed my parents that they had checked with Jenna's parole officer and he hadn't heard from her in weeks. He and Kelly checked the apartment on file and it was abandoned except for a few random torn-up pictures of my family scattered across the floor. It didn't look good. We were all losing hope as every second passed without anything happening.

My mom had a massive breakdown and barricaded herself in Jax's room earlier this morning. She was refusing to come out. She wouldn't even let my dad go near her and threatened bodily harm to him if he tried. His face was red and angry as he stormed down the stairs. He left the house and took a walk for a while to cool off. He was struggling too; his emotions always came out in the form of rage. Dad had always processed things differently than others. My mom coped by shutting down and shrinking away while Dad would attempt to fight the world.

I was the perfected blend of the two of them, which left my brain in utter chaos.

I ended up just sitting outside Jax's bedroom door, listening to Mom wailing into Jax's pillows for hours.

The only time I even attempted to move was when I heard Cameron walking up the stairs. I turned my head to stare up at him.

That counted as a movement, right?

"You need to eat something." Cameron gave me his authoritative man voice as he handed me a plate with a slice of lukewarm pizza on it. I stared down at the cheese-covered bread and felt the urge to vomit. Jax could be hungry right now. I should save this piece of pizza for him to eat when he comes home.

Cameron popped the top of a can of soda which made me jump. He offered it to me and I took it out of his hands to sit it next to me on the floor. I wasn't hungry or thirsty. I wanted nothing in this world except for everything to go back to normal again. My family's version of normal anyway. The one where I was the only danger lurking around the corner.

"Thanks," I mumbled and looked back at the door when I heard my mom's muffled pain rise up again.

"Your dad just got back and wants to go back out to look for Jax again. Ron organized a search party with a bunch of local volunteers and we are going to meet him there. They are going to search the woods around the county park." Cameron informed me.

"I want to come too." I began to stand up. Cameron pushed me back down to the ground. It didn't take much effort. I didn't have a lot of fight in me right now.

"Darling, I love you and I know you want to help, but you aren't going. You are not sleeping and are barely hanging on. If we find anything out there, I will call you immediately." It wasn't even open for discussion. Cameron had already put his foot down.

I leaned my head back against the door to Jax's bedroom and stared at the wall. It reminded me of when I was in the hospital. I felt just as powerless and trapped right now as I did that day. Jax came over and held my hands when I was lost. I was pathetic. I couldn't even do the same for him. My little brother needed me and I wasn't allowed to help find him.

He was out there, probably scared out of his mind and I couldn't do anything to stop it because everyone around me was afraid the stress would trigger my bipolar disorder. I hated to tell them, it was already in control of my body.

I was a fucking useless piece of shit.

"Jessa, please at least try to eat something. I'm getting really worried about you, darling. If I come back and this food is still here, I am going to call your doctor and bring you in to have you checked out. You can't keep going like this. Promise me you will try for me." Cameron bent down and kissed the top of my head.

"Yeah. I will, Cami." I said as I pulled away from his touch.

After Cameron left, I sat in the same spot for the next two hours until my mom fell silent on the other side of the door. I was really worried about her. She had never acted like this before and it was killing me to see her like this.

After a few more hours of waiting, my head started buzzing and couldn't take the endless waiting anymore. I finally stood up and placed my hand on the doorknob to turn it. When I got into the room, Mom was lying on her side, curled up in the tiniest ball as she faced the window.

"Momma?" I called to her softly.

"Please just leave me alone." Her voice broke on every word.

She was in so much pain.  I wanted to take it away from her and see her happy again.

I wasn't going to leave this time. She had held me when I needed her while the world was crashing down around me. It was my time to pull myself together to try to take care of her. Mom needed me to be strong for the both of us.

I climbed on the bed next to her and snuggled into her back. I wrapped my arm tightly around her. She sunk back into me and grabbed my hand tightly.

"Dad and Cameron will find him, Momma. They won't let us down." I whispered.

"Jax was never supposed to exist." She whispered almost too softly for me to hear. Her statement caught me off guard.

"What do you mean?" I was confused. Of course, he was supposed to be here. Our family would never have been complete without his attitude in the mix.

"After what Jenna and those men did, the doctor told me I wasn't going to be able to have another baby. Both you and your brother were my little miracles. I have been so blessed to have both of you." She hugged my arms tighter.

"Momma, Jax may be a gift, but I'm not. I'm terrible and have been a really bad daughter." I said honestly. I knew my place in this family. Jax was special and I was just a burden.

"Jessa, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Our family would have never been what it is now if you didn't exist. You were the glue that pieced us back together. You are the reason I finally found the strength to stand tall and find my voice. You are the reason I survived that night when those terrible things happened. I stayed alive because I heard your voice calling to me. Having you changed my life in the best possible way. I love you and no matter what happens, I will never stop."

"I love you too, Momma." I held her tightly and closed my eyes.