Just Say No

Sorrowful, Regretful

    A soft groan left Keigo's lips as he shifted, trying to escape the incessant beeping that was going off right in his ear to the left of him. What was that anyway?... Wasn't he in his room? He rolled onto his side and yelped as a sharp pain shot through his arm. His eyes flew open, and he went pale. 

  A hospital. 

He sat up, trying to steady himself. he looked around, then down at his arm that was wrapped in a bloodied bandage. What had-

"You're awake, thank goodness! What the hell were you thinking, Hawks, you could have died!" Enji cried. He gently grabbed Keigo's shoulder only to let go when the younger man flinched at the gesture. "Hey, relax. I didn't mean to get mad, I just-" 

Keigo quickly moved away from him. "Yeah no, just get me the papers to sign myself out. I'm not even supposed to be here. My boyfriend is probably at my place wondering where I am," He got up and tried to rip out the IVs from his arms. He was stopped by Enji standing up to block the doorway. 

  "I encountered your villain-love on my way here. I'm sure he would agree about you staying here. We both thought that you were going to die. It looked like he was crying blood over you. He almost had a mental breakdown over you. The only reason that he isn't here is that he's a villain, and he knew that he would get arrested right away if he stepped foot in this hospital or worse! Do you have any idea how scared that poor boy probably felt seeing you like that?" Keigo flinched at his words, tears filling his eyes. He started to shake. Enji let out a sigh. "Sit back down, Keigo. I'm sorry for approaching it like that, I just-"

  "It's fine, it's fine, old man. You were just trying to get it into my head. I get it. Apparently, nothing gets through my thick skull unless someone is yelling at me or some shit. It's not your fault that you're pissed," Keigo said. He was starring at his hands as he sat down on the bed again. Had he really made his Dabi cry?... Damn, he really fucked up bad this time. 

  "No, Keigo, I didn't mean it like that. Yes, you are stubborn, but I only bring your boyfriend up to say that you shouldn't have done what you did... I know that you were trying to achieve something by cutting. I've been there. I know how it feels... but you have people who care a lot about you. You have a boyfriend who loves you, and-" 

  "Yes, people care about me, but how far can that even go? What they care about is a fake ass version of me. They care about an asshole with a shiny smile. A perfect little doll for the commission. Not even my parents loved the real me, so why should anyone else. I'm a fucking failure and a liar who keeps fucking up again and again and again. You'd all be better off without me. Fuck- I shouldn't have said that! I shouldn't have said that..." Keigo raked his fingers through his hair as he felt a panic attack starting to prod at his mind. He tried his best to focus on the feeling of his fingers in his hair, but he couldn't. When it wasn't enough, he went to try to scratch at his bandage-covered arm. Enji sighed, gently grabbing his arm. 

  "How does that make sense to you, Keigo?" 

"I'm not Keigo to you! I was never Keigo to you! To you and everyone else, all I've ever been is fucking HAWKS, and as long as I'm alive, that's all I'll ever be!" Keigo sobbed, tears streaming down. He wanted to scream out from all the pain, but he was so used to holding it in that no sound at all came out. He tensed up as Enji wrapped his arms around him in a gentle hug, but he didn't move away. 

"You are not Hawks right now, kiddo. Right now, you're whoever the hell you always wanted to be. I wanna speak to the real you, not who you think that I want to hear, got it? I am trying to help you, and I can't help you if you're trying to be someone that you're not, okay? If it would make you feel better, I can get you checked out, and I can take you to my house where the commission has no chance of hearing us," Enji's voice was soft and gentle, taking on that fatherly tone again. Keigo hesitated before nodding. It wasn't long before they were headed back to the Todoroki household. Keigo took a shaky breath. 

  "I didn't mean to upset you or Dabi, y'know. I get that you two care about me, and I care about you guys too, okay? I just thought that you guys would have an easier life without me. It's not like anyone would be too too upset by losing me. You'd all get over it," He looked down, shaking. He closed his eyes a bit. Enji sighed and lead him over to a nearby bench, sitting him down. "Besides, in just a little bit, the commission will get word that I wasn't patrolling, it won't even matter."

 "So you're just going to let them with, then? You're going to give into your father's idea that you weren't meant to be alive? If you end yourself like that, you'll be letting him win, and I think that deep down, you know that."

  "Can we not do this right now?... Not like that. Just for a few seconds, I don't wanna feel like a fucking failure. I..." Keigo rubbed at his eyes furiously, trying not to cry.

"That's fine, that's fine... Hey, you said that when you were little you wanted to be like me, right?..." Enji asked. Keigo couldn't help but smile a bit, nodding. 

  "So much that it was almost an obsession. It's embarrassing, but I'm still sort of idolizing you... I still get tons of your merch. I even got Dabi to steal me a body pillow of you- don't read into that one- I'm a nerd, I get it. It's just... You're the person who changed my life, y'know?" Keigo rubbed at his arm a bit. 

  "A bit weird, but I appreciate the thought. If it makes you feel better, you're a lot more like me than you know." 

"It does make me feel a lot better, y'know... but I didn't get any of the good parts of you, that's for sure. Just the asshole bits, honestly and the overconfident bits," Keigo looked down, digging through his jacket pocket till he found a cigarette and lighter. It wasn't long till toxic fumes were filling his lungs and relaxing him. "I'm surprised that you don't see me as a disappointment, y'know... I mean, shouldn't you be making things better with your kids before you try to fix someone else's kid?"

  "I am trying to make things right with them. It's slow, but... it's something. I doubt that they'll ever forgive me... I can't forgive my own parents..." 

"You think I'll end up being a shitty dad someday? I mean... How am I gonna explain to my future kid that their dad's a monster? Or that he's weak... What if... What if they see the scars?" Keigo started to pick at the bandage absentmindedly. 

  "You are not weak, Keigo. I do admit that trying to leave rather than fix things was a cowardly thing to do, but you are not weak. The fact that you're here today shows that. If your kids see your scars, you can tell them that they're battle scars. Don't try to tell them that they were from missions, though. What I did with each of my kids when they saw my burn scars was I told them that sometimes a person's mind can be a villain. I told them that those scars were from fighting that villain. I mean, it's true in a way, isn't it?" Enji offered a kind smile. Keigo didn't answer him. He just stared at his hands, mulling over the thought in his head. A person's mind could be their own villain... That was true to a point... but at the same time, it wasn't. He'd met villains. He's befriended them. They weren't bad... Not as bad as his mind... 

  "Villians can still be good people... my mind... it can't be good anymore... It just can't," Keigo whispered. Enji sighed softly, but he didn't push him. No, pushing him too hard would only push him away. He knew that it hurt, but he couldn't fight this battle for Keigo. They heard footsteps nearby, the constant click-clacking of high heels on stone bricks. Keigo's blood ran cold. Gaelen.

  "Hello Hawks, come back to HQ with me for a moment. We need to have a talk about your actions this past week." 

In that moment, Keigo began to regret everything he'd ever done in his life. Including surviving.