𝐨𝐡 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 || steve randles sister

𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐭

i thought my life was over when archie levenger died. quite frankly, i thought my world fell directly to its knees.

i mean, there's rarely a time when i'm confident enough to say that my feelings are from my mind, rather then my heart. i speak with what's inside of me, not with what's given or placed in my hands.

i speak the words of what i feel, and with those thoughts i tell my story.

loss is a topic that i bring up often. i guess many people just don't really realize how much damage it does to a person. the things it takes away, the new perspective that it gives you.

my past ended when my mother left, my present when archie was murdered, my future when stephane died. my life isnt something i hold with great hopes, because my world has often times come to an end. it had been taken the moment there lives had left mine.

i could tell you stories about my time with steph til i'm passed out cold, that's how much i loved her.

she had this certain youth about her that was purely genuine. although her family was honestly rich as hell, she never showed the knowledge that she had more then others. i think she hated it, to be real with you. knowing that i and so many others were living in a house that could barely hold up its own while she had one filled with so much care. she was sadden by it, almost in a way.

not trying to flatter myself, but on so many occasions she had told me that she loved me, and i wish that i was strong enough to say the same. i'm scared of things that are greater then me. even though i feel them, it's hard for me to share and really mean and the words that i say.

i don't think i've ever been serious when i told her that i cared for her with all my heart. i regret it now. i truly think that forever i always will.

i had so much faith in that little girl, simply because i wanted her to have the life that i never got. i wasn't living through her, i was just helping her discover the gentleness of the world before it had the chance to hurt her.

life always seemed to love her. that is until it took her away.

i used to dwell on her future. imagining what she would achieve, and who she would've found to love her just as much as her parents had loved for her. i pictured her life with me in it. i couldn't possibly be her babysitter forever, but i could always be her friend.

she never got to discover the beauty of love, and honestly i laugh upon the fact of me having to help show her. for instance, i love ponyboy michael curtis, but at a cost that's greater then my life. i will hurt him one day, and he will leave. so i'm saving him by pretending i haven't a life to live with him.

i wanted stephane to realize that you don't have to try to save people when you love them. there's nothing wrong with that. there's nothing wrong with that at all, and somehow i still there is.

i wanted her to love and to live, but she's dead now. she's simply dead, and usually when you are, you don't have feelings to share or thoughts to give. steph was searching for me that night. searching for someone who's history made her think it was okay to run away.

i hadn't killed her, but tell me why it feels like i did.

"should we wake her up?" two-bit asked softly, as my ears took in more then my eyes that were still closed.

"nah, let her sleep. she needs it." johnny replied, as a hand on my shoulder soothed me to the touch.

now pretending to still be asleep, i ease dropped in on their conversation.

"it's like 1 in the fucking afternoon." steve challenged, as i forced back a laugh.

of course. leave it to steve to make a comment like that.