Pasts best forgotten(fanfiction.net)

Life 4-1Chapter 10: Excalibur what?

Issei sat at the basement of his house, humming a tune as he sorted through the things scattered on the ground.

After Rias had moved in, the house had become even livelier, with her and Asia seeming to have a rivalry, over what, Issei didn't know. Still, the club president, for some reason, had taken to sleeping on his bed. While that alone was enough of a reason for Issei to praise every deity he knew, incurring quite a bad headache, there was also the clincher, the coup de grace if you will.

She slept in the nude, and by every god there is was it glorious. Issei still grins at the memory of it whenever it crosses his mind.

Still, another person in the house meant that it was getting a little packed, meaning accidents are more likely to happen. There was still only a small chance of it actually occuring, but Issei would rather not risk it. Sure, the lethal weapons like Gae Bolg and Hrunting was safely hidden in his trusty bag of holding that he kept in a concealed location, but some of the others were surprisingly dangerous

So, here he was, in the basement, making his own armory of ornaments, trinkets and relics as harmless as possible.

"Ddraig, where'd I put the cornucopia again?" He asked, looking for the said artifact. Hey, just because he had some legendary items didn't mean he only kept those. A cornucopia could be dangerous too. He once somehow managed to make it launch a honey-glazed ham the size of a man's thigh at more than 300 km/h. Seriously, Issei was pretty sure that it was still stuck in the head of that poor old Lenin statue. Actually, scratch that. He deserved it after making Issei run around in nothing but his boxers in the winter cold of Russia.

Issei stopped his rummaging to hang his head in depression. The sad fact was, for all it's weirdness, it STILL didn't even make it to the top 10 most unusual things that happened to him.

He was pretty sure that it didn't match the ring of drug-using, porn star sorceresses in Thailand that tried to make him their god.

Or that island in the pacific where he was worshiped as one and the people there tried to eat him in order to 'release him from his mortal shell.'

Or that gay vampire stripper in Las Vegas who flirted with him and tried to drug him in order to make him his sex toy/boyfriend.

Or that village in a magically-isolated part of England where they decided to try him as a witch for turning one of their villagers into a newt. He got better though.

Or that one time in Japan where he had met a mecha-otaku ,who he was still pretty sure was a devil, and, through a series of one of the most convoluted and random set of events, had had to dress up as a magical girl in order to look for the one who bought the figurine that the girl had wanted which was abducted by some random guy, in order to pay her back because, apparently, he had caused her to 'lose her focus because of his weirdness'. It's a long, horribly awkward story that he would rather no one knew about.

Issei dropped down to the ground in despair. He was pretty sure that the last one was the reason he was so damned terrified of Mil-tan. Sure, that big-ass man may be sweet and had a good heart underneath that muscle,(All 250 pounds of it) but damn if magical girls didn't scare him.

Damn his life was weird. He really needed a counselor.

[Don't worry partner. If it's any consolation, you're the most unique host I had ever had. I can say with complete faith that you are the only one that I ever met that's as weird you.]