INKED LINES // H.S.

Chapter 36

"I am hostage to my emotions. I fear one day I will not break free from them."

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Adilyn's POV

Pain. Excruciating pain. That's all I feel. It's taking over my head, my heart, my limbs and most agonisingly, my stomach. Something is wrong, really fucking wrong.

I can't get control of my breathing like I usually can after one of these attacks. This one feels different, weirder, like it's some altered form of reality. They have never been this bad before. They usually happen today. After seeing her grave, I always find it difficult to control the panic attack that takes control of me. But now with the added pain from my stomach I just can't pull myself from it.

I can see her lifeless eyes. The bright green fading right before me, turning the worst colour imaginable.

I killed her. I fucking killed her.

She made me do it that's what I tell myself. She preyed on the naivety and innocence of my seventeen-year-old self to help kill herself. At least that is what I try to convince myself. But I'm the one who had held that pillow down over her beautiful gaunt face. I was the one who killed her.

She hadn't struggled as I held it there, the pillow stopping her breaths from filling her cancer ridden body. She wanted it. She wanted to die so badly and I gave it to her. I killed her like the horrible fucking murderer that I am.

I killed her... I killed my Mum.

Vomit works its way up the back of my throat and I snap my eyes open.

Bright green eyes flash in front of my face. Oh God, the forest green is so familiar to me, it's like peering into my childhood. But as the green eyes stare down at me, they turn haunting, I'm terrified as my Mum's eyes gaze back at me.

"Mum?" I croak and stare heartbrokenly into the green depths. All I can see is forest green. Waves of guilt and grief threaten to pull me under and I want to let it.

My body is filled with such agonising pain. I'm so confused as to where I am, what is happening, why I feel this way. I'm only slightly aware of the cold surfaces that dig into my butt and back and I think I feel warm hands running down my arms, but I can't comprehend anything right now.

My face feels burning hot and my head is clouded with a dizziness I can't ignore.

The pain is making me feel sick. I want to vomit. But it never moves past the back of my throat. I feel like I am choking, unable to get enough oxygen into my lungs even though I can hear my breaths being ripped in and out of my mouth aggressively.

"Adi?" I hear the word spoken and I know that voice. It's deep and slow and warm.

The green eyes are filled with concern as they sway in my field of vision, disrupted by the blackness that takes over every couple of seconds.

What is happening to me?

"Adi?" I hear again. "I've got you, come back to me."

The voice sounds so familiar and deep. It doesn't sound like my mum as I stare into her eyes.

"Honeybee," the voice murmurs.

Honeybee. The darkness drifts away for a second and a moment of clarity opens in my head.

Harry.

"Yes, it's Harry. I'm here," he speaks.

Reality sees to slam back into me. He is cradling me to his chest, rocking my trembling body against him. I'm crying, whimpering and I can't stop.

Oh my god. He didn't. He saw. He heard.

I stare up at him, meeting his green eyes not my mum's. He is looking at me like he has no idea who I am.

He knows.

I have to get away.

I push myself roughly away from me, somehow stumbling myself to a standing position. He reaches for me as I sway on my feet, overcome again by the searing pain ripping through my stomach. I feel sick again.

"No," I mumble dejectedly and shove him away.

The action catches him off guard and he stumbles back. I take that as my opportunity to get away. I need to run. I need to get far away from him.

I don't know if I am running from him or what I have done but I don't care. His bedroom door is somehow thrown open and I hear it slam on the other side of the wall as I literally stumble through the hallway.

I have no idea where I am going and my vision is turning black every few seconds. The hallway dips and sways in front of me and I'm blindly reaching out with my hands, grabbing anything to steady myself and keep myself upright.

The cloud in my brain is growing, expanding making me even more confused and dizzy.

The lounge room comes into view and I have no idea how I made it here. The front door is only a few metres away. I just need to make it there and everything will be all right.

My lungs are burning like I am submerged beneath water not giving them enough oxygen. But my throat is screaming as air rips through it. My vision is blurry and black starts to frame the edges in a threatening border of unconsciousness.

"Adi!" I hear my name being shouted. I know it is Harry.

Must get away.

"What the fuck?" I hear a second voice and it sounds Irish although my ears are starting to feel hot like someone has clamped their hands around them stopping me from hearing properly.

The disorientating cloud has grown to enclose completely around my head, muffling my hearing and making my head feel too heavy for my neck to keep it up.

My heart is slamming aggressively against my ribs and I feel sick again. I think someone is stabbing me with a knife, that is the only reason I can think of as to why my stomach is ripping me apart with pain.

"Adilyn, oh my God!" I see Mila's face swoop in front of me, into my field of vision before it goes black again.

"What the fuck is happening?" The Irish lilt breaks through the heaviness around me.

I don't know how I am still standing.

I look down at myself, seeing my hands gripping my stomach tightly. I hear a cry of pain so loud and agonising fill the room.

Who is screaming?

A pain so sharp and brutal suddenly stabs through my stomach. I know it is me that is screaming this time. My vision goes completely black and I feel my knees hit the wooden floors.

Hands are gripping my arms, my shoulders, my back.

"Someone call an ambulance now!" The British voice sounds really scared.

"Adilyn!"

All I feel is pain and all I see is darkness.

"They are on their way!"

"What is happening?"

"Her stomach, It's her stomach!"

Cold air brushes over my stomach. My head is leant back on something soft and my body is pressed against the wooden floors.

When did I get on the floor?

My eyes roll briefly open and I catch sight of piercing green eyes before that slicing pain cuts through me again.

I think my eyes are open but I can't see anything.

It hurts so fucking bad. I can feel my body giving into it, welcoming the blackness that coats my vision again. Anything to stop this pain.

I can't take the pain anymore I let it take me.

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To be continued...

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Part Two coming soon