The new teacher, Ms Blanchett.. (femXfem)

《 chapter 7 》

Tw: mention if suicide and selfharm

We hurried to our english classroom, we weren't late, but you can never be too sure. A few other students were there, so we decided to go in too.
I almost sat next to Jess, and then I remembered that I sat in the front, alone.

The bell rang and the classroom got filled up with other students, and last but definitely not least, the teacher.

"Hi class, today you'll continue with your novels, if your done with that, which I doubt, you can either catch up on other work or read"

I didn't listen, at all. I simply sat there scanning her up and down; She wore a dark blue blouse with bone white suit pants, and paired it with dark blue heels. God, she look so perfect.

"You good Hanna?" The blonde woman stood in front of my desk, whispering a bit so no one else heard.

"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry. I spaced out a bit" she chuckled slightly and leaned forward. "Oh I saw you, 'spacing out' while looking at me darling" She then just walked back to her desk, leaving me there all flustered.

I tried to focus on my work, but how easy is that when your fucking teacher, is hotter than the core of the earth.
I also felt her eyes on me during the whole lesson, which didn't help me concentrate if you say so.

The bell rang after an hour, and I got ready to leave. "Hanna, stay a bit will you?" I nodded, not daring to do anything else. "See you in P.E Hanna"
Jessica gave me a 'not so discreet' wink.

"I'm sorry for keeping you here after class, Hanna" she took a deep breath.
"But I just wanted to check on you again, how are you?"
I opened my mouth, but before I could reply she started speaking again.

"And no 'I'm fine' or something like that, how are you feeling, for real?"

I swallowed, I felt a lump form in both my stomach and my throat.
I struggled to even get a word out, and I was determined not to cry.

"I'm, not too good, that's all I can say"
She gave me a sympathetic smile, which almost made me angry. Not at her, at me, because I let her get under my skin and it made me feel weak. I didn't need her to pity me.

"But I'm fine with it, okay? I can bear with this, I can handle it" I said, more confident than I thought I could.
She stood up, walked up to me, "I don't think you do" and grabbed my arm. "No I'm fine, stop!" She pulled up my sleeve.

My arm which had been more cut those last days than ever, made Cate's eyes grow wide. "H-hann-a" she stuttered. I tried to keep my tears, "I'm fine, it's nothing" I tried pulling my arm back, but she held it with a firm grip.

"No, no baby you're not fine, a person  who is fine doesn't do this kind of stuff"

"But, I don't care, it's not like I'm suicidal"

"Are you sure about that?"
I nodded, of course I'm not suicidal, I'm very much alive and it's fine.

"How often do you think about suicide?"

"What do you mean? The normal amount, I don't know!"

She cupped my cheeks with both of her hands. "Baby, the normal amount, would be none, if you're not suicidal, you don't think about committing suicide"
My tears rolled down onto her hands, my heart was pounding, and knees were getting weak.

"Hanna, do you want help? I know a lot of people who cou-"
I shook my head, gulping, trying to stop crying. "No, I can do this, I don't need anyone else helping me"
She furrowed her brows and put a strand of hair behind my ear.
"Can you at least try and talk to me then? I don't want to lose you"

Her words made me smile a bit, she didn't want to lose me, oh shut it Hanna, she's a teacher, of course she don't want her students dead.

"But I'm fine, and you know why?" Now I almost grew angry at her,
"Because, I've been feeling like this for years, and I'm still here!" 

"Have you tried to kill yourself during these years?" She asked sternly.

"Not for real"

She looked confused, and she backed off to lean against the wall.
"What do you mean? How can you try to kill yourself, but not for real?"

"I- I've slit my wrists okay?! I've done it, hoping it would kill me but deep down, I knew that I wouldn't die! And I've been taking a lot of fucking pills, not knowing what they would do and just hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning, but I knew that I probably would!"

She opened her mouth and looked slightly shocked. "Ho-how many times  have you done that?" Her voice was now filled with fear.

"I've lost count" I said quietly.
I saw a single tear roll down her cheek. "I have to go now, I'm already late for my next class.
"Go home Hanna, I'll fix everything, stay home this week"

I looked at her, was she for real?
"But-I"

"No, here have my number, I'll text you if anything important happens, and you can text me if you need, okay?"

I nodded, grabbed my things, walked to my locker, and went home.