Essie's Critiques

Above the Headstones | Riprish

2. "His black complexion drew in the shadows like a darkness beacon." (p.5). This sentence is slightly awkwardly structured. A suggestion (but not required) is to rephrase it as, "His black complexion drew in the shadows like a beacon of darkness."

3. "... she was an ant, rising a full five four in height." (p.10). I suggest including necessary filler words here, and a hyphen is also required. Correction: "... she was an ant, rising to a full five-four in height."

4. "Clive flinched a smile, moving in close..." (p.12). The word "flinch" is a verb, and it means to make a quick/sudden movement from nervousness or fear. You've misused the word in this sentence, for one cannot flinch a smile.

5. "... and the occasion rat droppings." (p.29). You incorrectly conjugated "occasion" in this sentence. It should be, "... and the occasional rat droppings."

6. "... waving at Uncle Freddy. Uncle Freddy waved back with a colorful bird on his arm." (p.35). Here, you already mentioned "Uncle Freddy," so there's no need to mention it twice. Instead, I suggest replacing his name with the pronoun "he." Suggestion: "... waving at Uncle Freddy. He waved back with a colorful bird on his arm."

7. "More bodies per capital, equaled more tax write offs." (p.36). The comma is unnecessary here. Correction: "More bodies per capital equaled more tax write offs."

8. "Artist covered the soot in a more decorative..." (p.36). You're referring to artists in general, so it needs to be plural with an apostrophe. Correction: "Artist's covered the soot in a more decorative..."

9. "Dany didn't need anymore bullet holes in her." (p.43). Here, "any more" should be two words. "Anymore" means to a further extent, and "any more" refers to quantities, which applies here.

CHAPTER 2:

1. "She needed her bathroom to vomit up this disgusting, slightly peach flavored, alcohol." (p.1). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "She needed her bathroom to vomit up this disgusting, slightly peach flavored alcohol."

2. In paragraph 2, one of your sentences with the format of a list needs another comma (remember the Oxford comma).

3. "The female shouted, voice high in pain." (p.12). Here, I suggest switching out "in" with "with."

4. "She swiped at Dany, tumbling her over the side of the roof by sheer force." (p.16). This is poorly structured. I suggest adding in necessary filler words. Correction/Suggestion: "She swiped at Dany, making her to tumble over the side of the roof by sheer force."

5. If you're labeling certain characters, such as "Dragon boy" and "Female dragon," they should be capitalized as Dany is using these titles to refer to them.

6. "'Get away from it,' a voice said as a teen entered the doorway." (p.20). By phrasing this sentence as such, it sounds like there are two people present other than Dany: The voice and the teen. I suggest avoiding confusing your audience like this. Suggestion: "'Get away from it,' a teen said, entering the doorway."

CHAPTER 3:

1. "Clive noticed the dried blood prints over the railing, hurried along its rusted surface in a rush to get higher onto the brick building." (p.1). You need a conjunction here, and the comma is unnecessary. Correction/Suggestion: "Clive noticed the dried blood prints over the railing and hurried along its rusted surface in a rush to get higher onto the brick building."