Essie's Critiques

Above the Headstones | Riprish

You had some comma splices as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.

I also noticed that you incorrectly conjugated some words in sentences. There weren't many, but I still pointed out as much as I could for you. I suggest doing extensive research on this topic on your own.

YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) You had no typos, which I commend you on, but there were still some filler words that needed to be removed or added. I also noticed that you struggled with mass nouns, which are uncountable things. Some examples include smoke, water, and air. It would be weird to say "a water" because water can't be counted. This applies to the other examples I've provided in your chapter reviews.

YOUR PLOT: (18/20) Your world-building was excellent, and I was able to visualize everything from your protagonist's eyes. The pacing was steady and you have a strong concept going. You lacked in connecting situations with your character's emotional state, however. There were some times where I appreciated you having your character reflect upon what happened earlier, but you could expand on that. Point out these different reactions or emotions, and it shows the reader what kind of person your protagonist is. Overall, I appreciated how you organized each event/scene so it gradually leads up to the climax or the overall goal of your story.

YOUR CHARACTERS: (8/10) Just as I've mentioned earlier, I suggest turning your focus to the emotional aspect of your writing. Your chapters are packed with action, but try to emphasize on the emotional duress your characters must be under. Whether it be tension, anxiety, or horror, you want to exaggerate these so your readers can be swept off their feet. Other than that, I was able to connect with strongly developed characters, which made them more memorable and complex. Well done!

YOUR VOICE: (17/20) You have a distinct writing style here. I adore your use of diction and vocabulary, and paired with your writing voice, they really strengthened the reading experience for me. There were many times that I had to reread something because I forgot I was critiquing your story! The grammatical errors took away from the experience, but by cleaning those up, your writing voice will only get better from there. Make sure to remove excess filler words, scenes, or paragraphs, and try to stay focused on what's happening right then and there. There weren't a lot of wandering thoughts in your writing, but you could improve upon your clarity on each situation.

STORY FLOW: (4/5) Your story pacing was smooth and mostly consistent, which I, as a reader, appreciated. Of course, there's always room for improvement. This can include searching for new ways to transition into a new scene, as I've found you often use repetitive transition phrases or words. Look at the stories of your favorite authors and see how they transition in their writing. There are many ways to transition that you can incorporate in your writing.

So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.

CHAPTER 1:

1. "This place was a hazard, bordered, blocked and cautioned off, in fear of toppling because of its soggy base." (p.1). I suggest replacing the first comma with a semicolon. Additionally, when writing a list, the next-to-last item should also be separated with a comma, along with the rest. This specific comma is known as the Oxford comma. Correction: "This place was a hazard; bordered, blocked, and cautioned off, in fear of toppling because of its soggy base."