Essie's Critiques

Lost in Wonderland | CatherinexMiller

YOUR HOOK: (3/5) You had a very gentle approach with starting your story. It wasn't the best beginning you could have written. For example, since it starts with Ava reading a book, the hook could be a scene with the protagonist of the story she's reading in some kind of action. That way, you can pump up your readers and make the hook more exciting. Show your readers that Ava is reading a book, don't tell them. It could even be that she's reading a story about a girl falling down a rabbit hole to excite your readers with all these hints and connections. I also found some comma splices and grammatical errors, but I'll address those in your chapter reviews.

YOUR GRAMMAR: (3/10) I noticed that you struggled with your use of commas. Oftentimes, you misplaced commas, used unnecessary commas, or were missing commas in a sentence. Comma uses can vary depending on the type of clause. An independent clause has a subject (someone/something doing the action) and a predicate (the action that is being done by the subject). An independent clause also doesn't depend on another clause to make sense; it can be its own sentence. For example, the clause, "I cried," has a subject, "I," and a predicate, "cried." If two independent clauses are joined together with a conjunction, they should be separated with a comma. For example, the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," has two independent clauses. One is "I cried, and the other is "Billy ran away." These two clauses are joined with the conjunction "then," and should be separated from one another. The correction would be: "I cried, then Billy ran away." Now, a dependent clause is just like an independent clause. But while it also has a subject and a predicate, it depends on another clause to make sense. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause "I said," to be a sentence by itself. Although it has a subject and a predicate, it's connected to another clause. Dependent clauses should also still be separated from other clauses with a comma. Commas can also separate introductory words or phrases from a main clause. For example, in the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause here is, "I went to work." It has the subject, "I," and the predicate, "went." You'll notice that the word "today" isn't included in the class. Therefore, it should be separated from the clause with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work."

A common comma issue you had was your comma splices. A comma splice is combining two separate clauses without a proper conjunction, only with a comma. An example of this is, "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two separate clauses and ideas, and should either be separated with a period instead of a comma, or the comma should be accompanied with a conjunction. The correction can be: "I went to work, and I drove in my car," OR "I went to work. I drove in my car." I'll point out several examples of your comma splices in your chapter reviews.

You also had trouble with your capitalization and punctuation with your dialogues. Like I've mentioned earlier, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "I said" to be a sentence by itself. You would want to know what was being said. The clause, "I said," is a dialogue tag, and usually accompanies a dialogue (it is part of the entire sentence, including the dialogue). A dialogue tag is an accompaniment to the dialogue that describes the way something is being said. A few examples include, "She said," "he yelled," and "they growled." Since dialogue tags are part of the dialogue sentence, the beginning of the dialogue tag is never capitalized (as it's not the beginning of a new sentence), unless it comes before the dialogue itself. For the punctuation of the dialogue, unless it comes after the dialogue tag, it can end in any punctuation but a period. The opposite goes for an action tag. An action tag is an action that accompanies the dialogue, a few examples being, "he walked away," "she sighed," and "they grinned." Action tags are separate sentences, and shouldn't be included with the dialogue. That means the beginning of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the beginning of a new sentence. The punctuation, unless coming after the action tag, should always end in anything but a comma.