The 16 Step Plan To Become Sirius Lupin

The Christmas Duck

Christmas, 1971

"What the fuck is this?"

James, Remus, and Peter all cracked up at Sirius, who was examining a yellow rubber duck, very confusedly.

"It's- it's a duck, mate!" James rolled off of his bed laughing.

"No it's not. It's tiny and yellow."

Remus choked on his chocolate he'd received from his mother and started coughing. "It's a rubber duck!"

"That thing James blew up at the park?"

"I turned it into a real duck, but yes," James laughed hysterically.

"Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" Sirius examined the duck.

Peter shrugged. "Dunno. They're for fun, I suppose. Kids play with them in the bath."

"Hm," Sirius' eyes lit up and he shot up from the floor of the boys' dorm, knocking wrapping paper in all directions. "Someone, draw me a bath! I must see what all the fuss is about with this rubber duck! Extra bubbles, good sir!"

Remus rolled his eyes as James and Peter laughed. "I am not going to draw you a bath!"

"Why not?"

"I'd rather finish my chocolate. Thanks for the offer though." Remus dropped to the floor and Sirius pouted in the doorway.

"Reeeeemmmmmyyyyyyyyy!!!"

"Noooooooooooooo!!"

James and Peter's head swiveled back and forth between the two boys, trying to follow the conversation.

"Just draw your own bath, Sirius!"

"But I-" Sirius quieted suddenly, grabbing Remus' attention. Sirius was never quiet.

"What's wrong?" Sirius mumbled something Remus couldn't quite hear.

"What?"

"Dunno how."

James snorted. "You don't know how to draw a bath? Man, you must've been spoiled. Had the house elves draw it for you, did you?"

"No..." Sirius frowned at the floor. "Mum never let us take baths. Said it was childish."

James stopped laughing. "Oh... sorry, mate, didn't mean to pry."

Sirius waved him off. "Whatever. It's fine. Remus, help me?"

"Yeah, of course."

Remus filled the bath with hot water and bubbles and rubber ducks, then returned to the main room, gesturing for Sirius to enter the bathroom.

"Here you are, your highness. A bath with extra bubbles, just as you requested."

"Thank you, m'lady." Sirius bowed dramatically and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Remus dropped down next to James and Peter on James' bed.

"What do you say we mess with him?" James said as he smirked evilly.

Peter smirked back. "What do you have in mind?"

An hour later, Sirius screeched and came running out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel and dripping tomato soup all over the floor. "What the fuck is wrong with you lot?!"

The other three boys had rolled off of the bed laughing and were now on the floor. James received a kick to the ribs from Sirius and reluctantly turned the water back to normal. Sirius returned into the bathroom, but not before flipping them all off and shouting, "GITS!"