Essie's Critiques

That Which is Unknown | cre0adregar

But something much worse is lurking behind the obvious threat, and it only takes a few elite individuals to see it. Something so dangerous, that even the combined might of heroes and gods might not be able to stop it.

I suggest adding something to the end as well, as I feel that the blurb doesn't end on a note of finality. Did you see how I shortened your blurb and only mentioned the key details? While the setting might be important in the story, it doesn't contribute to the main plot. Like I've done here, I suggest cutting short the explanation of Duat, and mention it in your full synopsis later. I don't recommend using this blurb I've written here, as it's not the best, and I've edited it in my style. Instead, use your own writing voice to find the necessary parts to cut short or to add to.

YOUR HOOK: (4/5) I like that you brought us immediately into the protagonist's mind with a quote she favored and followed up with her surroundings. There weren't any grammatical errors I could find, although the following words after the quote were rather abrupt. Instead of saying, "The line came from the father of cosmic horror, H.P. Lovecraft," shorten it down to, "H.P. Lovecraft: the father of cosmic horror." Your readers will already know that you're referring to the quote.

YOUR GRAMMAR: (7/10) You had a few grammatical errors. The most frequent ones were the use of your commas. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."

Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on to make sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.

Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.

You also had a few mistakes with your punctuation with your dialogue. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. This is also a perfect example of a dependent clause, because while it has a subject and a predicate, it doesn't make sense by itself; it depends on the dialogue to make sense. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.