Trust Me

Chapter 4

I lost my wings... my wings were gone, they were far too mangled to handle the stress of hellhound bites and then to fly... even a short distance.. I did this. I messed up. And now I've lost my wings.

I was staring at the deep, long gashes down the middle of my back, they were still red, and irritated. Sam came up behind me, he looked at me through the mirror.
He said" We have to patch them up, they could get infected." I shook my head quickly, not trusting my own voice to speak without crying." Zad, they could get infected, which'll make them worse." I whimpered, shaking my head again," Just let us try, okay? And if it becomes unbearable, we'll stop." I nodded, following him back into the room, I sat on the bed, my back facing both Winchesters.
Dean said" Zad, all you gotta do is tell us to stop and we will."
I mumbled" O-Okay..." Sam's finger skimmed across the area, I tensed up, flinching.
Sam said" Okay, this is gonna suck, Zad, get ready. 3... 2..." Dean poured vodka onto the gashes, I screamed in pain, Sam's hand covered my mouth to muffle the scream." You're okay, you're okay, you're okay." Dean started wiping the wound gently, I started whimpering, gripping at Sam's  wrist.
Dean said" Okay, we're gonna try and sew it up, it'll never heal like this." I felt the needle go into my skin, I screeched, I sobbed.
I screamed" Stop, stop, stop!"  Dean pulled the needle out, I breathed heavily, curling up, my face dug into the bed.
Sam said" It's over, it's over, it's over, shh, shh, shh." I was shaking, I crawled under the blankets and laid on my side," Zad, can you please come out?"
I whimpered" No..."
" We need to at least get a bandage over it, okay? That's all we wanna do, okay? No more needles." I pushed the blankets down and let them have access to my back. I flinched as Sam gently pressed a piece of gauze to the wounds, Dean taped it to my back, I whimpered." There, we're all good." I curled in on myself, holding my knees to my chest, and covering my face with one arm. I heard the Winchesters and Castiel talking, but I couldn't care to listen. It was all becoming too much to handle, I need to breathe, I need air! I jumped up, snapping my fingers, my shoes appeared on me and I took off out the door.

I was staring at the imprint of my wings, tears rolling down my face, I sniffled.
I heard Sam say" Zad, are you okay?" My lip shook, my knees buckled and I dropped to my knees as a sob raked through me." Zadkiel!" I was pulled up, Sam's hands on my arms, then one of his hands moved to my chin and forced me to look at him. His other hand moved from my arm and wiped away stray tears rolling down my face." I'm right here, okay? I know you feel like you have to hold everything in... but you don't, Zad, you can have connections and feelings for people. You can have emotions. It's okay to feel. You need someone to help you through this, Zadkiel, you know that." I whimpered then crashed forward into him, his arms carefully wrapped around me. Avoiding the two gashes in the middle of my back.
I mumbled" All I can feel is pain... it hurts so much, Sam, I can't stand it, it hurts too bad."
" It's okay, it's okay, I've got you, I've got you." He lifted me up, I let him... I just can't handle this right now, it hurts so much. I whimpered in pain, he sighed," I've got you, Zadkiel, whether or not you trust me, you don't have to trust me." I stared at my lap, defeated in all possible ways, I just couldn't anymore. He started walking, I was shaking, it was slightly cold and I didn't have a shirt on." You're gonna freeze to death, Zadkiel."
" I'm okay with that."
" Well, I'm not. If you won't put on a shirt, then you don't need to be outside, okay?"
" Fine..." He chuckled, shaking his head at me," My body hurts so much, Sam... it feels like fire and frost bite and... I feel terrible."
" I'm so sorry, Zadkiel, none of this should have happened to you. I never should have made you come with me, it was reckless."
" It wasn't your fault, Sam." He looked at me, stopping," I done it to myself, I pushed my wings too far this time, and I let the hellhounds... I flew, I-I did this."
" I made you go."
" If I really didn't want to, you couldn't have made me." I yelped as a pang of pain hit me, I let my head fall back so I could stare at the sky.
" Are you okay?" I shook my head slowly." Let's get back to the room, okay?" I nodded slowly," Okay."

We got back to the room, Sam put me down on the bed, I pulled my knees up to my chest, sighing. I grabbed my hoodie, Castiel was staring at me, his face showed remorse and sadness... for me.
I said" What is it, Castiel?"
He said" No being should have to go through this."
" Leave me alone."
" Mich-" I flinched,
" Shut up!" My eyes glowed, the lights flickered, Sam and Dean looked at me, I gulped. Stopping my anger," Just... shut up. I deserve this... you know I do. I was ungrateful, I was bad... everything that happened to me in this life, I deserve it all. My family being killed, my wings... I deserve it all. I've caused pain... I deserve this pain again." I sighed," Just, leave me alone." I turned away from them, tucking my face into my hoodie as tears threatened to spill.

After a while, I felt Sam's hand glide down my arm, I whined and squirmed away from him.
He said" Dean and Cas went to the bar, they think I get more out of you alone." He chuckled," So, wanna come out of your hoodie?" I peeked out, I saw his eyes staring at me," Do you want something to eat?" I shook my head," Pain pills?" I shook my head again," Come on, Zadkiel, you've gotta eat something and take some pain pills, maybe it'll ease the pain."
I mumbled" It's angelic pain... it's unbearable, most angels would have stabbed themselves by now... most would already be dead..."
" Why is that?"
" Most of the time... wings only scorch when the angel dies... me, I'm still alive but my wings are gone."
" Do you wanna talk about it?"
" No." I sat up, I sighed and stared at him,
" Look, I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sorry anything happened to you." I sighed," Will you just eat some thing, okay?"
" No, Sam, I don't wanna eat... I just wanna lay here and die."
" Yeah... well, I can't let that happen."
" Why are you being nice to me? I don't deserve it, and you don't know me."
" Yeah, well..."
" You looked me up, didn't you?"
" Yes."
" Good to know."
" What happened?"
" It happened fast... the demons attacked and-and I tried to fight them but... I was just used to messing around, making my cousins laugh. I-I was held down, and watched them kill every single person in the house... Sam, I was terrified, and sobbing as I heard their screams... then I got so angry..." I sighed," I blasted them and got away, I took off, left everything but my money and phone behind... and I left."
" It's... I'm so sorry, Zadkiel." I sniffled,
" It's fine." I gulped, he looked at me, then held my chin,
" You know, you don't need to lock away your emotions, it's okay."
" No... I can't do that. I was cast out, I fell... and was reborn with my memories, and I put my family to danger! I watched them gut my mom! I heard her screams, her cries... for me to look away, for me to close my eyes, she cried out my name as the light went out of her eyes!" I started to panic, my body tensed, I screamed in pain, Sam kissed me, my body froze, then relaxed. I kissed back after a few seconds, after a few more seconds, Sam pulled away. We both looked at each other, I blushed, looking down, I saw him do the same.
He mumbled" You're gonna hurt yourself if you keep tensing up. Uh... I'm gonna go... uh, over there." He walked away, I stared at my feet, whoa, whoa, whoa.