Essie's Critiques

Le Soleil, La Lune et Les Violettes | mariammostafa058

YOUR GRAMMAR: (7/10) The most common mistake I found was your comma usage. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence. In future writing, I suggest looking over what you wrote and asking yourself whether you need a comma or not. There were times where you also used too many commas, and a better alternative would've been to simply end the sentence and start a new one. I've pointed out several examples of these in your chapter review.

There were also your capitalization and punctuation errors. Many writers confuse this rule, so I'll do my best to explain it well. If there is a dialogue tag (she said, he yelled, they cried out, etc) after the dialogue, it is part of the sentence. If you think about it, it doesn't make sense for "she said" to be a sentence by itself. That means the dialogue should end in a comma (to indicate that the sentence isn't over yet) and the start of the dialogue shouldn't be capitalized (as it's not the start of a new sentence). You seem to have this down, but the same rule does not apply to action tags. An action tag is basically an action coming after the dialogue (such as he grinned, she frowned, they ran away, etc). Action tags are not part of the dialogue sentence, they are sentences on their own. That means the dialogue should end in a period (to signify the end of the sentence), and the start of the action tag should be capitalized (as it's the start of a new sentence). An example of this is: "'You're totally right.' He grinned."

There were also minor spots where you slipped up in your tense and forgot to end your sentence with proper punctuation. I've pointed out these spots, but be on the lookout for these when proof-reading or editing your writing in the near future.

YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (5/5) I was impressed by the lack of spelling errors I found! It's obvious that you took the time to edit your work and put forward your best rough draft to the world. Well done!

YOUR PLOT: (18/20) I couldn't get a lot out of the first chapter (obviously), but I got a vague idea of your plot. However, there are so many writers on Wattpad who take this approach, so what's different about your plot? What twists and layers can you add? How many sides can you add to each character, and how is each setting different from the one before? Something I suggest you do is to reread your favorite stories, take note of the way the author approaches the story, and ask yourself what you would do differently. Then, you can apply these ideas you get into your own story.

YOUR CHARACTERS: (8/10) I definitely got the vibe for each character. Especially with Violette, I could see many sides of her you showed just with this one chapter. Despite the lack of physical descriptions, I got a clear visual of what she looks like, and I got an idea of Elijah's character by being in his head. I loved that you add a touch of insecurity and confidence in what he wants to Elijah, making him relatable and realistic.

YOUR VOICE: (15/20) For the most part, I enjoyed your writing style! It's unique from others, and I can see the careful approach you took. However, I think your approach is too careful. I noticed that the verbs you used were very robotic and emotionless. Try to look for stronger verbs, and it's okay to shorten up your sentence by saying "it's" rather than "it is." Writing is the fun part; don't be afraid to write whatever comes to mind. You can always go back and edit it later, but in the moment, just let your imagination roam free. I guarantee that your readers will be able to tell the difference, and they enjoy the reading experience more, being able to feel your passion in your writing.

STORY FLOW: (4/5) While I appreciated that you only briefly mentioned the tiny details and focused on the more important scenes, I noticed that you took note of every single detail, as though writing in a diary. You didn't have any time skips. It's okay to end a scene and start a new one in a bizarre moment, as long as you're capable of tying the two together and making it sound smooth and seamless. If you look at other writers, try to see how they transition their scenes. What do you like about their story flow, and what would you do differently?