Scene 1, Take 2

Chapter Ten

Scene 1, Take 2

Chapter Ten

Bella POV
Song: "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron

I headed home with a flustered mind. There was much to think about. Too much. So much so, that I almost wanted to never think of it at all.
But I knew I had to. I just had to rip it off like a bandage.

I plopped myself down on my bed, and opened the dam that had kept my thoughts at bay until that very moment.

At first, a million things flew around my brain. I tried to sort through them, but I couldn't prioritize one over the other. I couldn't decide where to begin.

My vampire brain was far more advanced than my human one, but still, there's only so much it could take.

I suppressed the urge to shove them back behind a lock and key, safely kept in a far corner of my brain. I wanted to disconnect from them, to be able to rise from my bed and go on with my existence. But they weighed me down, and I found it impossible to get up.

I forced my thoughts and memories into a line, and called them forward one by one.

First, came the freshest one. I had felt so welcomed in their embrace. I had clung desperately to Alice, and I had to admit that for a second there I was afraid I was going to crush her tiny form.

They had all opened their arms for me, and with every hug I felt more and more like the Bella I used to be. The Bella they once knew. The Bella that they loved. The Bella they left behind.

I felt at home in their embrace, but with Edward, I felt complete. I felt whole. Not healed, but as if there was no wound to begin with.
The familiar ache in my chest disappeared, and although I remembered it vividly, there was no trace of it.

(Quick note: "Arms" by Christina Perri fits here too)

I loved him. I truly did. And probably always will. One of the things he did say when I was still human, was that once vampires change, they don't go back to the way they were. We are set in stone, and it takes a lot to make a difference.

And perhaps, if I loved him, then he loved me. If he hadn't lied back then, and I had changed him as he said I had, then maybe nothing has changed over the years.

Maybe the need for me to be by his side was still there, nagging him. Maybe he still wanted the things he said he did. Maybe I still had the same affect on him.

And maybe it was just the mystery. He was curious, of that I was sure. Maybe the unsolved puzzle that was my mind was what made him pay any attention to me at all.

Who cares? A monster shouted. He wants you. Just like you always hoped.

Had I? Always hoped? Did I really want this?

I battled with myself, weighing the pros and cons. Every con I found, I fought off. I convinced myself that it was no big deal, that I could over come it.

And so I knew that I did want this.

I wanted to be loved, but it had to be by him. I didn't want to be alone, but I had to be with him.

I was willing to hurt myself again, to feel, even for just a second, the love and connection I felt in those odd few months.

I thought about leaving. I thought about getting up and going back to making sure that I never crossed their paths again. I could do that. But I didn't want to.

I craved them, I carved him. I needed to be near them. I wasn't complete without them.
I wasn't exactly alive but without them I was dead. I was nothing. They were my family.