2011
August 4
Janet
I woke up the next morning in Toni's arms and it felt good. Hopefully today would be a better day, shit I'm praying it will be. I felt Toni shift behind me and then her lips against my neck making me smile.
"Hey baby." She whispered biting my ear.
"Good morning." I said giggling. I turned to face her and kissed her lips softly. The sun was rising and sitting right on Toni's skin making her glow.
"What? Why are you staring at me like that?" She asked with squinted eyes. "Nothing, I just can't stare at my wife?"
"No because you always want something when you do." She said getting up and putting her shoes on.
"Well the only thing I want right now is to go back home I want to sleep in my own bed." I said stretching and then walking out of the room and downstairs get my shoes.
"You want to get some breakfast on the way in?" Toni said waiting at the door for me. "No I want to sleep, I'm exhausted babe." She nodded her head and led the way to her car.
It was silent the whole way back to the house and it was awkward. I know she wants to ask me what happened yesterday but I honestly couldn't tell her.
When I stepped out of the car everything from yesterday started to flood back into my head. I wasn't walking as fast as I usually would and Toni noticed. She tried to grab for my hand as we walked to the front door but I pulled my hand back.
"I'm fine can you just open the door please." When I walked in the house it felt like a smack to the face. I could feel the difference in the air... it was thicker in here, made it harder to breathe.
"Jay baby you sure you don't want anything to eat or drink?" I ignored her and went upstairs to the bedroom and laid down in the bed. Just breathe Janet, you'll be fine nothings going to happen. I kept telling myself over and over but it wasn't working as fast as I would hope.
I could hear my heart beating at a rather fast rate and my breathing increased, which must've made Toni scared because she sat me up in her arms and tried to help me concentrate on my breathing.
"Janet you want me to call your mother?" I heard Toni ask faintly, making me shake my head yes immediately after the question processed. When she ran out the room I walked into the bathroom to splash some water on my face.
"Janet you can't let them see you like this... it'll get better but for now get yourself together!" I said to myself in the mirror. I wiped my tears and threw some more water on my face and when I looked over to the side of the sink, I sunk to the floor and pulled my legs into my chest.
"Janet your mothers coming later today..." Toni said trailing off when she saw me sitting on the floor.
"I'm sorry I forgot to throw those away." She said going over the the pregnancy tests I had taken. The results were negative... I wasn't surprised.
"You know baby it's still early you know? We can try again next week or just go to the doctors, they'll let us know for sure."
"I knew I should've just stuck with my gut... maybe I wouldn't have went through all of that yesterday." Toni went to respond but KJ ran in the bathroom.
"Mommy mommy! I missed you!" She said running over to me, but her mood changed when she saw my eyes. KJ could always read what was wrong with me and made me feel ten times better.
"What's wrong? What'd momma do?" She asked looking over to Toni who had stood up and leaned against the door.
"She didn't do anything pumpkin, where's Kam?" I asked pulling her down on my lap. "I don't know probably messing with Justice."
