2011
April 25
Justice
"Momma!" I understand last night was my mother's last night of the first leg of her tour and they celebrated last night but I needed her now.
"Justice?" I heard Toni say from the kitchen and she immediately came walking around the corner. "Oh hey Justice can you keep it down everyone's still sleep."
"No I can't." I ran up the stairs and into their room cutting the lights on and opening the blinds. I needed to talk and she needed to get up.
"Toni....come on I'm tired."
"Ma it's Justice come get up we have to go for a run." The only way I felt completely safe was when me and Janet went for a run, so whenever I said we needed a run she would have to come.
"Ard give me five minutes." She said going into the bathroom. "I'm setting a timer for seven and if you're not in the car I'm coming back and dragging you myself.
"Damn Justice how serious is it?"
"Scale on one to ten? Murder." I said and ran back downstairs. Toni tried to start a conversation with me but I wasn't listening to anything she was saying.
"You ready?" Janet said just as the timer went off. "Yeah ma we'll be back inna minute."
"Mhm y'all have fun." She said with an attitude and rolled her eyes at Janet. Janet just took a deep breath and followed me outside.
When we got into the car the ride was really silent which wasn't normal she'd usually try to get to the point before we got to the beach.
"I see you need a run too huh?" She broke out of her deep thought and looked at me and laughed.
"Yeah but I really don't even want to run can we just talk? I'm tired." I chuckled at her and pulled into the parking lot.
"Sure but I'm going first." I said getting out of the car and walking down to the sand.
"So what's up?"
"Well you know Anika's divorced right? Well she has two kids as well but she hasn't seen them since they got divorced and she doesn't want to see them because they aren't really her's."
"Wait I'm confused she told me and your mother she had no kids and they closest thing she had was Kobi."
"Well that's how she feels, see Lauren had those kids herself Anika didn't want kids with her."
"Okay so what's the problem?" She asked as she played in the sand. "Well she wants kids now but I don't know if I can." When I said that she looked at me and laughed.
"What's so funny?"
"Last night me and your mother had some pretty interesting dreams one about fish and the other about someone giving birth."
"Oh so that's why y'all fighting?" She scrunched her face up at me and looked me up and down.
"Um we are not fighting."
"Sure, so she thought you were pregnant or what happened?"
"I don't really wanna y'all about it." She said still playing in the sand. "Nah we came here to talk not, not to sit in the sand and play."
"Well it started off with her accusing me of cheating and getting pregnant cause I had did it before.... but then I flipped the script and we both realized that we weren't the ones pregnant and it was you."
"Hell no it's not me I don't even think I wanna get pregnant again." I said looking up to the sky.
"And why is that?"
"The only reason I had Kobi is because of you."
"I-I didn't give birth to Kobi." She said trying to be funny. "Haha you know what I mean, I only kept her because of you I didn't think I could do it alone let alone make it through the pregnancy without miss carrying."
"Okay but didn't you say Anika made you feel like how Travis made you feel?"
"Yeah I did but-"
"No there's no but's you can do it, don't ever think that you can't baby. Now it's a difference if you have something going on and you're not telling me."
"No there's nothing going on just she's working that's all." I said softly.
"Well then just talk to her about it, do you want more kids?"
"I really don't know I just wanna make her happy you know?"
"Yeah I understand." She said sighing. "Uh what's up with that?"
"With what?"
"You acting all depressed and shit- my bad... stuff."
"Your mother wants more kids." She blurted out. "Oh really? At forty four?" I asked laughing but she was dead serious.
"Justice it's not even about that okay? Well maybe a little. She has lupus it's gonna be fifty times harder and to top it off she is in the danger zone because of her age."
"Then you have it."
"In the middle of my tour? Justice I am older then her too so I don't know. Look it's just scary and we get treated like shit anyway when we're going through the closest thing to death."
"All because we're black women."
"Tell me about it."
"I just don't wanna hurt her feelings." She said looking off into the water. "I don't think you'll hurt her feelings if you just tell her how you feel instead of shutting her down immediately."
"I just don't wanna agree and then the worst happens and then it's my fault."
"How is it your fault?
