Starting Over

3

"Hayes." The words tasted like poison rolling off my tongue.

Seeing him was so utterly shocking I couldn't begin to explain the emotions I had rolling through my head right now.

Taylor opened her mouth but was having a hard time forming words.

She looked away from my eyes and talked at the floor, "He doesn't normally go to that bar."

"You knew he was here?!" I shouted at her.

"Yes, ok?!" She looked back at me, "I ran into him once or twice when I got here last week."

"You knew he was here and you didn't warn me?!"
Why would she not tell me this? She knows how hard things were on me.

"He said he was moving! I thought he would be gone by now!"

"Well he's not."

I got up and sat on my bed instead of the numbingly cold floor.
The look on his face was burnt into my thoughts. But not just that, it was everything. He was different.

His eyes weren't bright anymore.
They were bloodshot and pale, like the undead.

His skin, when he grabbed me, it wasn't warm and full of color anymore.
It was freezing and white, like ice and snow.

His arms didn't have just a few tattoos anymore.
He had sleeves on both, like a poorly organized canvas.

His hair wasn't perfectly done anymore.
It was messy and sloppy, like a street rat.

His lips weren't pink and plump anymore.
They were pale and thin, like a newly dead corpse.

His voice wasn't sweet and smooth anymore.
It was dry and distant, like a lost boy.

I only saw him for seconds but I took in every detail. He wasn't the person I remember from three years ago.

I looked over at Taylor who was looking at me too. I couldn't read what she was thinking. Maybe she thought I was hurt, broken, confused, insane, stupid. Maybe I was all of those things and more.

"Do you still..." Taylor drifted. But i knew what she was asking.

"No." I dryly answered.

No I did not still love him. I never will again. But seeing him gave me this feeling that told me I can't loose him either. I need him in my life, but never again in that way.

"Can I ask why?"

"Because it wasn't real." I tried to not cry.

Taylor got up to comfort me, "What are talking about? Of course it was real."

"Then why did he let me go so easily?"

She didn't have an answer for me.

"Why didn't he fight for us? He didn't even let me have a second thought. And then he just shut me out. Where's the love in that?" I cried harder.

I collapsed in her arms, soaking her shirt with water works.
It was the most painful memory I have. I hate thinking about it. I never wanted to see him again to avoid the thoughts going through my head. To avoid seeing his face and just knowing he was the love of my life at one point, and then everything we had disappeared like it was nothing. How can something like that happen so easily?
But seeing him made me think about so much more.
But there was one question I couldn't get through my head.

"It wasn't Hayes." I said.

Taylor looked at me confused.

"The person I saw... He wasn't the same." I sat up from her shoulder, "What happened to him?"

She looked away from me and kept her mouth closed.

"Tell me!" I demanded.

"Hayes isn't the same person he used to be." She slowly started, "After you two... ended, I was still around for a little bit. I watched it happen... over time."

"Watched what happen?"

"He was depressed... he shut everyone out, no one could get to him. We tried to help him but he wouldn't let us. I would see him alone at the skate park usually high or drunk. Every time I saw him he was worse. His wrists had red marks all over them."

I began to tear up again. Taylor continued,

"He changed. He stopped being nice to people, he stopped caring about everything and everyone, he didn't want help but he needs it. Before you came he was kinda bad, I'm not going to lie, he smoked weed and drank a lot but he never did pills or anything but it still wasn't healthy, but when he was with you he stopped, and when you left him.. And i mean really left him... it got so much worse. Before, You brought out the best in him, no one else could do that... without you it's gone, and now we can't get it back, with or without you he's gone. He got addicted... like he wasn't in control of himself... He started smoking again, and drinking again, he got into pills, and it's bad.... He turned to drugs because he didn't have you."

"No." I shook my head, "No, it can't be true. I didn't do this to him."

"You didn't. This is not your fault. He did this to himself. He chose to be like this."

"Because of me right? Because I left him. How was I suppose to know it would destroy him?" Again, I was crying "Please tell me it's not true. Tell me I'm dreaming. This isn't real... Tell me it's not true!"

"I'm sorry, Sam." she quietly said, "It's the truth. But it's no where near your fault."

"If I just... didn't... he would be fine."

"You can't blame yourself." Taylor said, "No one ever could have expected this. I promise you, you are not to blame, But it happened and I'm sorry that you have to hear this."

I refused to believe it.
No. No. No. No.
Over and over in my head. No.
I can't, I don't, and I won't love him but I never wanted to loose him either. Having him physically present isn't enough. I need to know the boy I loved is still breathing. But now he's not.
I never thought I would truly loose him forever.
I was shaking trying to process what I now know. Things like this don't just happen in real life. It's only in the drama films. How could he have gotten so far off track from who he was?

"But he was a good person." I cried "He was my best friend. He w- he was, he was everything."

Taylor put her palm on my knee to soothe me, "Hayes isn't a good person anymore."

Taylor waited for her words to hit me, and when they did she said "I know it's asking a lot, but you need to forget about Hayes. I know it might hurt, but he is not the person he used to be. That person you were in love with three years ago is gone, I know it's hard but you need to move on."

"I don't want to forget." I whispered.

"You don't need to. Just don't think you can go back, because theirs nothing to go back to."

"He won't even be my friend anymore." I realized.

"Listen to me." I looked at Taylor "Stay away from him. He can't be trusted anymore."