Starting Over

18

***ONE WEEK LATER***

I had not spoke of the the images of Hayes that came to mind when Matt kissed me since last week. I ignored the idea that I longed for the taste of Hayes' lips.

And I ignored the fact that it was getting worse for me. It wasn't just when he kissed me anymore. It was ever touch, every kiss, every word, everything Matt did drove me further to Hayes. I was only denying it to everyone around me, but inside I know the truth. I will not admit it, I am only fooling myself and telling myself a lie, but it was constantly paddling around in brain.

We were out from class for the rest of the day, it was finally Friday. Matt invited me to join him at the frat house. I was hesitant to answer until he informed me that Hayes would be out until late. The boys were all planted in front of the TV, too focused on some game to be bothered to notice Matt and I come inside.

"Come on," Matt took my hand, "let's go upstairs."

I followed Matt, leading me by the hand to his room. He turned around on me, closing the door with my back against it. I heard him lock the door before his lips crashed on mine. I moved my mouth against his, taking his face in my hands. Matt held his hands on my hips, then began to move them to my behind, sliding his hands into my back pockets. Matt moved his lips from mine, taking both of my hands in his and stepping back until he reached the bed. He sat down and pulled me by the hips closer to him. I climbed on top of his body, Matt responded by falling to his back and softly kissing on my neck. He turned me over with my eyes closed I smiled at the feeling of his kisses on my neck. I forgot where I was for a moment, and who I was with. My smiled faded when he stopped on my neck and moved his forehead on mine. With open eyes, my emotion dropped at the sight of Matt's eyes instead of the blue ones I wished to see.

"What?" he asked, "What is it?"

"Nothing." I forced out, but I could feel a plundering rock in the bottom of my stomach because I couldn't bare the thought of hurting him.

"Are you sure?" Matt asked.

"Yeah." I sighed, "Can we just... not right now?"

"Yeah sure."

I turned on my side, Matt pulled my body closer to his. I felt empty and terrible because all this time I was wishing it was Hayes. I can't put into words the way I think. I don't know how to describe it. I don't want to have feelings for Hayes, but I want to kiss him and hold him. I can't even figure myself out.

***THE NEXT DAY***

I woke up to someone shaking my shoulder, I assumed it was Taylor. I rubbed my eyes and began to sit up in my bed. I jumped back and pulled the blankets over my legs, startled because it wasn't who I was expecting.

He laughed, with the word 'sorry' between his chuckles.

"Matt, you scared me!" I collected myself, "Why are you here?"

"What? I can't see my girlfriend?"

I rolled my eyes, getting out of bed, and walking to the bathroom. I felt Matt's hand tap on my bare behind as I walked without any pants. I glared back at him with a look of annoyance, I was not in the mood to be intimate in any way with him right now.

"Damn." Matt shot back, "What's your problem."

"Nothing." I said with a fake smile.

I feel like that's all I ever tell him anymore.

Nothing.

What happened to the Matt I used to be so close to? This feelings thing gone and screwed everything up, and I don't even know if I have feelings for Matt anymore, I know it has only been two months but I'm just not feeling it as much anymore. I'm not even sure I ever did have feelings for him.