Exes & Ohs

Nighttime

Odette once wrote a story about a beautiful ballerina named Grace, in a sick twist of events the dancer flings herself off a roof, she survives the swan dive and breaks both her legs, shattering her favorite foot for turning. Odette feels like Grace right now.

She sitting at the desk in the study at Ethan's house. He's asleep, she told him she was staying up to write, but actually she's just sitting there. She thinks about going into the kitchen and scarfing down whatever she can find. She doesn't want to eat, but then again she does.

She contemplates texting Anthony, Anthony the asshole who lied about attending her dead best friends funeral. Anthony who hates her better than she could hate herself because his hate wears the mask of love. Anthony who always triggers her.

She wants to be triggered. She wants a reason to stick her hands in her throat, to cry, and cut. Because being loved is hard, and loving is somehow harder just because it's easy. She hates the thought of hurting Ethan, she only wants to hurt herself, but hurting herself not only hurts Ethan, but disappoints him too.

There are only so many times a person can be disappointed before they give up.

She erases Anthony's number, and surprises herself when she realizes it's no longer engraved in her heart. She eats an apple and crawls into Ethan's bed. She must wake him a little because he pulls her closer to him. Nuzzles her neck, mumbles "I love you." and kisses her forehead goodnight.

She feels safe.

She feels loved.

She hopes Ethan feels that way too.