Guardians

Chapter 11 - Is That a She Hulk?

The beast stood as tall as the trees themselves, like I was an ant in the tall grass. I guess this was how link felt staring into the eyes of Ganondorf. However, he was a cool swavey elf knight. Who also has an inventory of weapons that even Batman would be jealous of.

I on the other hand, had nothing but pocket lint, a mom who probably wouldn’t care if I become Ganon chow and an old defective football player…

Woo hoo reality…

The beast’s eyes oddly seemed to fall, right, on me. You know, even when I thought I was gonna die earlier. I didn’t once almost piss myself, but that things hungry eyes almost made me spring a leek.

“H-hey m-mom, dad. That thing is umm, it’s looking at me like a bucket of KFC chicken.” I managed to stammer out.

I quickly turned back, hoping to see my mom in some awesome wizarding stance. Ready to blast away the creature with her plant magic attack.

But that’s not what happened, that wasn’t what I saw. What I got to see, was my parents, not even remotely close to looking in my direction. Still just wailing at each other.

This was some ‘Luke I am your father’ levels of shock I was feeling.

“HEY YOU IDIOTS! A GIGANTIC MINOTAUR WANTS TO EAT MY FACE!” I roared over to them in a panic.

But still, not one of them even batted an eye from one another.

That was the moment it hit me. This was reality, this wasn’t some magical dream come true. My mother wasn’t some divine loving goddess, and my dad wasn’t some misunderstood hero. They were just some crappy divorced parents, who didn’t even bother looking at their son as he screamed for help. 

Just as I was about to accept my fate, I became blinded by a white light. A loud explosion went off and I heard a loud cry (it sounded like a crying demon baby.) I felt the air rip past me like a car going down the highway. Then, there was nothing, nothing but a gentle breeze afterwards.

“I-im not dead?” I muttered.

My body was stiff, I’d never been so scared before in my life. I shook involuntarily, trying to gain my sense back. Could Jack have come back for me? I remember a light from earlier... 

“I guess clover still can’t kill it..” My mom groaned.

“This is exactly what I'm talking about! We could of been killed!" My dad yelled as he pointed to something ahead of me.

I needed to look, I needed to force myself to look. I took a few breaths and relaxed myself. Slowly inching to look ahead. I was even more stunned by the sight before me.

The big bad miniatur was writhing on the ground like a spider, his left arm was blown clean off. His black blood spurting out of his nub like a sprinkler. Just what the hell happened? What could of done that!?  

“I apologize mother! The elves lost control of it!” I heard someone call out.

It was a woman's voice, at least I prayed that was a woman's voice. It was pretty deep to be a woman's voice, but I still heard that feminine undertone in it.

The voice broke me free from my state of shock, which made it easy for me to move again. I slowly turned around toward the voice, and I was over joyed and disgusted by the sight before me.

Well let's start with the positives. Elves! I kid! You! Not! Cute Elf girls! All in some dumb Skyrim Ranger gear! Oh my gosh! I've found the nerds Vallhala!

Now for the sight that made me question my masculinity. This gargantuan gorilla women was like a whole person taller than me. Her muscles would make Aden look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. She was wearing some hunting cloth clothing like an Amazonian. And some odd tooth crown on her head. Her hair was in a braided ponytail, with some red face paint. Her skin was darkened, clearly from the sun. She looked like the embodiment of ‘I forgot I had other stats’.