Working Through the Rest

Uncontrolled

When we eat dinner that night, I'm very quiet. The impact of what I said earlier, the full impact, is still driving itself home, and I'm not entirely sure how to cope with it. I did mean what I said, because I've wanted to say it for months now. But there is a difference, a huge difference, between muttering those things to myself and actually saying them to the person they're intended for.

I told Draco what I'd said after mum and Harry Potter had left. He had, almost instantly, taken the same stance as Scorpius and insisted that I stay here in the holidays. I thanked him, and then asked Scorpius if we could go back outside before I started to cry.

I am trying not to cry now. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm exhausted. Probably that. Either way, whatever the reason is, it's making me very quiet. I know if I try to divide my attention, I'll lose all composure.
"Albus?"

I jump as Scorpius says my name, and I look at him questioningly. Speaking isn't a brilliant idea.
"Are you okay?"

I nod, and Scorpius raises his eyebrows I suppose I should know better than to blatantly lie to him, but I don't want to lose it now. It's been a reasonable day. I don't want to ruin it for him.
"I'm not hungry," I lie quietly. "Sorry."

I am hungry. I'm starving. But I don't want to eat anything. I can't be bothered. I don't know why. I wouldn't care why, if it weren't for their concerned looks. I swallow, trying to think of something to say, some sort of excuse or other.
"It's okay," Scorpius murmurs. "Try your best."

I nod, reaching to pull a little of the food into my mouth. It tastes very nice but I'm not really able to appreciate it right now. I'm going to cry. Oh shit. I'm going to cry. I force myself to breathe, and then I put my fork down. Draco looks at me and I mutter an apology as I stand up.
"Can I – can I go to bed?" I mumble.
"Of course," Draco nods. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head and start to walk out. I try not to stumble as I walk up the stairs to the room Scorpius helped me set up earlier. As I shut the door, I sink down onto the carpet and I let myself break.

I sob and sob until my throat is raw and I don't even know why I'm still crying. Not that I even knew why I was ever crying. I almost wish that I hadn't let myself stop feeling numb. It would make this easier. It would make this whole thing easier.

Somehow, I make it across to the bed, where I collapse again, wrapping my arms around a pillow and continuing to cry. I don't react as I hear the door open and someone sits down next to me.
"Do you want to talk?" Draco asks quietly.
"I shouldn't be upset," I mutter, the words catching. "I should be used to this by now."
"You can't expect yourself to be used to this at all, let alone after a matter of weeks."
"It's been years. Nothing has been okay for years and I know that. I wanted to say that to him. I don't understand why it hurts so much."
"Because he is your parent and there is still some sort of emotional connection between you both. You're not being stupid. None of this is stupid."
"Feels like it."
"Try get some sleep," Draco says softly. "It will be okay. I promise."
"Why do you care so much?" I look up at him slowly.
"Because you are a child and it isn't fair on you to have to carry this much."

I don't respond, rolling over again. He stands up, closing the door as he leaves, and I close my eyes. Tomorrow will be better. If I get some sleep, tomorrow will be okay.

Except when I do sleep, I dream.

When I sleep, the nightmares wake.