Working Through the Rest

Being Alone

That night, when mum is settled beside me as I start to fall asleep, I sit up suddenly. Lily is already asleep. Dad and James are out. It's just us. She frowns at me and I pull the letter out from beneath my pillow. And then I look at her nervously.

Mum looks at me, concerned, and I look at the floor, fiddling with the corner of the paper. I should tell her. She deserves to know. She's my mum. But at the same time, this is my secret to share. This is important to me. I need to make this decision.
"If I show you this," I mumble inaudibly before clearing my throat and trying again. "If I show you this, don't tell dad? Please?"
"Okay," mum nods. "Are you okay, Al?"

I shrug, passing her the letter. I don't sit down again, my stomach starting to churn with nerves as she opens it. She won't care. It isn't that important a thing about me. It doesn't change much. She won't mind. Please, Merlin, let her not mind.

Because if I've just driven a rift between myself and mum, I don't know what I'm going to do. I need her. I need her so fucking much. Please, Merlin, don't let this be a mistake.

I stand silently, trying not to show how scared I am, as she reads. After what feels like an eternity, she looks at me, folding the letter over again. I look at the floor, my chest tightening to the point where I'm struggling to draw breath. Mum stands up, walking around the bed and pulling me into a firm hug.

I can almost feel the weight lifting from my shoulders as she strokes the back of my head gently.
"It's okay," she murmurs softly. "It's okay, Albus."
"You're not – you're not angry?"
"Of course not," mum says gently. "There's nothing wrong with being who you are. Nothing at all."

I nod, blinking back tears. It's okay. It's going to be okay. She is okay with me. I don't have to be scared.
"How long have you known?"
"I think I first knew," I mumble, "I think it was May. I wasn't really okay with it until a few weeks ago."
"Okay," mum nods.

She lets go of me and I climb back into bed, lying back and staring at the ceiling. I feel lighter. I think I feel hopeful.
"About Scorpius," mum sits down on the bed.
"I don't know," I say quickly, about to ramble. "I–"
"Shhh," mum smiles softly. "It's fine. I just wanted to know whether he knew."
"No," I shake my head. "I didn't want to – mess things up – between us."

Mum nods and I swallow. I shouldn't ask about dad, not right now. I should be happy that she's okay with me, and not concentrate on him right now. But I do. I do think about him.
"Do you think dad will be – do you think he'll be angry?"
"I don't know," mum says softly. "I don't think he'll be angry, but – well – I suppose he might be a little surprised."
"Bad surprised?"
"I don't know," mum says again. "But I will talk to him, if you want me to."
"Not yet," I say quickly. "I...I don't know how to tell him."
"You don't have to," mum says. "If you don't want to tell him, don't. It's your decision."

*

I sleep easy that night for the first time in a long time. My mum is with me, there are no secrets between us, not from me, at least. I'm going to be okay.

If, when, I tell dad, even if he's surprised, he'll be okay with it. And if he isn't, mum will talk to him, talk him round. Everything is going to be okay. I'm not going to break thigs apart. I can be me and be happy without hurting my family.

I can be happy without being a complete fuck up.