Working Through the Rest

In Summer

After that day, dad and I spend a few other days together, just talking. It's what we've missed for four years and it takes a while, but it does start to come back to both of us. Eventually.

However, in my gut, I still can't trust him entirely. Which is why I don't mention the confusion I keep feeling about Scorpius. Instead, I try to work it out myself. A few times, I write out everything I'm feeling and stare at the parchment, hoping it'll start to make some sense. It never does. So I burn the parchment to keep it a secret.

I am starting to understand that I do feel something for Scorpius. Whether or not it's a crush or actual love, I don't know. But he means more to me than he used to.

Every time a letter from him arrives, I disappear off to my room, no matter what is going on, and I curl up on my bed to read, laughing and smiling. It almost feels like he's there with me. I wish he was, so damn much.

When I'm with him, I don't have to concentrate on filtering what I say, I don't have to work out what will make him angry beyond sense. I don't have to be scared that I'll say something that will destroy everything. We've been through too much to argue once and never speak again.

Sometimes, I have nightmares. Really awful nightmares. And every night I have another, it gets worse. Because Scorpius isn't there. Because every night I wake up and, for half a moment, I think that he hasn't forgiven me, that he is staying away because he's beginning to hate me more and more.

The worry only lasts for a moment, and as soon as I sit up, I know why he's not beside me. I know I'm a million miles away, and I hope desperately that he isn't going through this too.

I don't regret sound-proofing my room, but it means I almost never sleep though. Sometimes I move to the corner of my room, wrapping my arms around myself and trying to rock myself back to sleep. More often than not, I'm too scared to even try to close my eyes, so I open the curtains and curl up on the windowsill.

By the time we reach the last weeks of summer, I can glance up at the night sky and find Scorpius in the stars. And I can smile.

The nightmares aren't any easier to deal with, especially when they turn in their nature, but I've got some idea fixed in my head that, if I go back to school, if I see Scorpius again, I'll be okay.

Which is why, for the first time ever, my trunk is packed and ready sooner than the night before. At the end of every letter, I ask for a specific place to meet him on the platform, because I need to get there and know where he is. I need to see him.

I haven't said this much to him. I haven't told him about the new nightmares. I haven't told him that I have to convince myself, every single time, that he wouldn't ever hurt me. Not in the way that my mind is determined to convince me that he will.

The night before we're due to go back to school, someone left my bedroom door open, and my screams escape to the rest of the house. I wake up, shaking and sweating and sobbing, to find someone beside me, shaking my shoulders forcefully.
"What..." I trail off. "What's going..."
"You had a nightmare," mum takes my hand gently.

I nod as the images come rushing back into my head. Me. Scorpius. A knife. I stop myself. If I keep recounting it, I'm going to be sick. I stand up, stumbling over to the window and breathing in as I throw it open, the night air rushing in. It's vaguely calming, but the clouds are too thick to see the stars, too thick to see Scorpius.
"Are you okay, Albus?" mum walks up behind me.
"Yeah," I mutter. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for..." I start gesturing vaguely, "you know, waking me up."
"Do you want me to stay?"
"I'll be fine," I say quickly. "Thanks."
"Albus?"
"Yeah?"
"How often does this happen? I know we put the silencing charm up when it was bad, but how often is this?"

I don't have to tell her the truth. I could just keep it to myself. Bottling it up never hurt before. A little secret about nightmares won't make a difference.

But it will. It will make all the difference. I can't patch things up with dad, only to have it fall apart with mum because I wasn't brave enough to speak. I wasn't brave enough before. I can make up for some of that.
"Most nights," I mutter.

Mum stops walking towards the door. She looks back at me as I pull the curtains open properly and walk back to my bed.
"Most nights?" mum takes my hands again. "Oh, Albus, why didn't you say anything?"

I mumble some words, something about not wanting to make a fuss over nothing, and mum pulls me into a hug, stroking the back of my head gently.
"It's not a fuss about nothing," she says firmly. "It is never a fuss about nothing."
"It's been a year," I whisper.
"Do you want to go back to school tomorrow?" mum asks. "If you need a few more days."
"I want to go back," I mumble. "I need to see Scorpius."
"Will you be okay?"
"No one will try and beat us up again," I shrug. "Rose pretty much guaranteed that."

I sit up as mum smiles at me. I'm surprised she gave me the option to stay at home, but I suppose I look like hell. I don't think I've slept through the night in four weeks.
"Can you stay?" I say quietly, lying down and staring up at the ceiling. "Please?"
"Of course," mum smiles softly.

I close my eyes slowly, taking deep breaths. I'm safe. I'll see Scorpius in a few hours. It's going to be okay. It's all going to be entirely okay.