OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

SEVENTEEN

For years, it has always been a struggle for me to earn at least a quarter of the world's approval; Its people, experiences, dreams... I have longed came to grips with the fact that we cannot please everyone, yet I still bear the yearning to make the people to like me.

The weight of these thoughts used to render me sleepless nights and plot my own death threats in my mind. Until last night... Hindi ko alam paano nangyaring tumanggi ang pagbisita ng pakiramdam na iyon sa tuwing pinaliligiran ako ng mga tao. I found myself laughing, toasting beer bottles, lean my body uninhibitedly close to the man beside me. At one point I even thought the behavior was caused by the shots of alcohol tripping in my head, pero nandito ako ngayon at binabalikan ang lahat. Each flash of the memory light shows different scenes; Like a captured photo, my face freezes at each dazed shots, echoes of voices going from mild to loud, warmth touching a space on my skin, and raspy whispers breathing on my hair...

I didn't fail to mention this to Dr. Costello the day after. Patuloy pa rin naman ang iilang sessions ko sa kanya. It was a short phone call. The smile in her voice one fine sunny morning warmed my chest.

"I'm happy for you, Samara. You keep that up, okay?" she said.

Though, I'm not sure if this is right, na masaya akong nasisiyahan siya. Ang dating kasi ay parang ginagawa ko lamang ito sa kasiyahan ng iba, when in fact I should be doing this to myself and not for other people's joy.

Sa bumabagsak kong mga talukap, lumalabo ang mga titik sa aking harapan. Isang kurap ay lumilinaw tapos ay lalabo ulit sa tuwing umaatras ang diwa ko pabalik sa kagabi. Pakiramdam ko nga nagtatagpo ang mga mata ko sa gitna, naduduling.

"Samara!"

"Ate!" Naigtad ako sa tawag ng kapatid. I looked at her in my fully awaked senses now.

"May nahanap ka na ba? Kanina ka pa tulala diyan!"

Binalikan ko ang screen. I'm using my sister's mini Macbook to search for any Photography school. Mag-iisang oras na yata ako sa paghahanap pero nilulugi ko lamang ang oras. As much as how I want to pursue a decision that matters so much to me, I always end up doing the bare minimum. Minsan nang dumaan ang tanong kung ito ba talaga ang gusto ko, o nasanay lang ba na wala akong ginagawa kaya hindi na motivated ipagpatuloy ang hangarin.

Each day, I grew more and more exasperated for it seems that I still don't know what to do with my life! There's not a single day where I don't picture out myself with my dreams fulfilled, ngunit sa tuwing sinisimulan kong tuparin, pinanghihinaan agad ako, nakakaramdam ng pagod. O baka tamad lang talaga ako?

"Mahal, ate."

I'm poor now. I mean, not really but compared to a life in the mansion along with Graciella' Vidaurri's mouth, my rich kid status has toned down into a centavo.

"Gaano ka mahal? Isang milyon?" sarkastikong sabi ni Merewald.

Ang sungit niya ngayon. Dahil ba madaling araw na akong nakauwi? Kahit papaano naman ay mas maaga kesa sa kanya na ngayon lang dumating! Kanina pa kayang alas sais natapos ang shift niya. It's been three hours past noon right now and she is still in her uniform!

Pansin ko rin pagdating niya kanina ay medyo lagpas niyang lipstick. I even caught her trying to wipe it away from his mouth, hiding the traces. Several ideas raced in my head but then thought that It was safer to just keep it to myself.

"Hindi naman..." I yawned and scratched some itch in my head. Inayos ko ang buhok ko pagkatapos at napahikab muli.

She dropped the hand towel in the sink counter. Umikot siya mula sa kabila para lapitan ako at pumuwesto sa aking tabi, halos sa aking likod na at inanggulo ang Macbook sa kanya.