OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

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Last of Part I

Hinahaplos ko ang singsing na nakaukit sa aking daliri. Without a force to remember, the memories grew a heartbeat as it played an image of how Angelov carved his promises on this little finger sheltering the veins that's close to my heart.

"D, what are you doing?" Sydney's distant voice echoed in the hollow parts of my skull.

"Magpapakasal ka? Akala ko ire-rehab siya?" sinegundahan ni Evrose.

"We'll get married first before he goes to rehab," deklara ko para matapos na ang pagtatanong nila.

But just when I thought they're done with probing, a question crosses my thought which froze me. Isang tanong na kayang buwagin ang katiyakan ng desisiyon ko at pagsisihan lahat, bawiin lahat at ipagbabakasakali na lang. Just when I thought I have grown enough to make things right for my life through choosing other ways against other people's will...

"How did you come up with this? For sure you have your reason. Hindi lang dahil sa gusto niyong magpakasal!"

Given the shallow experiences I had in which through enduring times, has shaped by the devastation I've become through the consequences of other people's actions, I learned it too late that every decision made is a chance. An opportunity. A relief. Luck, for the lack of a more suitable word. But in a blink of an eye, an easy word could turn a life upside down. The gravity of three letters weighs heavy, clinging at the edge of my tongue. And right in this moment, I learned that most words that appear easier said could turn out to be... regrets-in-waiting.

"Makakalabas ka na mamayang hapon." I smiled at him.

As the day grew old from the minute Angelov brought up the question, the idea of marriage only gets heavier and the image became a loaded weight in my chest that it sent unbounded thoughts in my mind on a run, pleading to be claimed by certainty.

Hindi na kasi ito katulad noong isang taon na tila isang laro lang. We may have been serious with the promises we made in our hearts, but l was vulnerable in that moment. While this marriage he asked for requires the legal papers, and the thought of it alone bestowed me the scenes of grave responsibilities on our shoulders. The deeper I think about it, I realized how I wasn't yet prepared for that kind of future.

Kahit na sigurado naman ako na siya pa rin ang pakakasalan, but the thought of the union also brought me back to the advices I collected from last year when I was too naive to care about risking chances.

And after everything that's happened... the darkness, it felt like we are still a hundred steps away from the light. Para pa rin kaming nasa isang mahabang lagusan at wala pang naaaninag ni tuldok ng liwanang. Natitigilan lamang sa mga alingawngaw o para makapagpahinga.

So I think the idea still needs to be thought-out. Especially when a friend of his has just passed away, while the other is in serious deep grief.

Angelov's half-lit fire gaze lingered on me before I could see the blatant dissolve of his temper. Ngunit sa paglaho niyon ay sinulit ang oportunidad ng pangamba na sumilip sa mga mata niya. I can literally see his mind working behind the troubled expression that is now burying the rest of his ire.

"May problema ba?" I didn't stall seeing his expression.

Nagdilim lalo ang mukha niya.

"Okay lang ako." He cleared his throat, getting rid of the obvious struggle in his tone.

I am not convinced, lalo na nang makita ko ang mabigat na paglunok niya bago inihayag ang pilit na ngiti.

Unti-unting naghiwalay ang mga labi ko habang binabalikan ang mga araw kung kailan ko siya nakikitang masaya, o nakangiti man lang. The times when he is with friends, or with the people who surrounds him day by day... on how he used to be carefree, a tease, or the wild son of rebellion while being a dangerous one at that same time.