OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

FORTY

If I can only borrow a peace of mind from the blissful ignorance of my youth... I would trade these seconds of disclosure to any grief-stricken yesterdays just so I could.

I've been a hive of nerves and pulses for the past minutes as every knot inside me beats in wild rapid motion; My breath, my trembling limbs, the maelstrom of cold and fire in my bloodstream, the pulsing grenade of my heart dimming the surrounding city buzz... everything, an upheaval of sorts but my brain that seems to have stuck in a rut.

With that storm fuming inside me, I couldn't strip my gaze off the face on the wall with my drifting curiosity static inside my head; Who. Did. This?

Ngunit sa bawat tanong, laging inaalay na sagot ay ang pangalan niya. In every spell of his name casted in my mind, the solid kiss of heat in my nape melts and spreads shivers along my spine, diffusing a galvanic warmth all over. Iisang pakiramdam para sa tatlong naghihigitan na pinaka-dahilan; Sa umuusbong na posibilidad, pag-asa o ang nagbabantang pagkakabagsak muli sa matayog na pag-aasa.

Pero sa dinami-daming pagkakataon ko nang pinagbigyan ang sarili na maniwala nang paulit-ulit, sa paghihintay ko sa dilim na ang tanging kinakapitan ay ang kakarampot na mga ebidensiyang hindi kailanman napapatunayan, sa kabi-kabila kong pangangapa ng mga kasagutan at nanatili pa ring nananalig hanggang sa tuluyan na ngang bumitaw, bakit sa nakalahad na higanteng katibayan sa harap ko ay hindi ko magawa ang muling pagsabay sa kaparehong agos ng paniniwala?

Sa katunayan nga ay dapat na akong nagtatatalon sa tuwa! As it happens, I've been questing after this proof over the years! So why do I seem to be in two minds about banking on this new evidence now?

I've been taught all my life that everything has a reason. So what reason do my misbeliefs entail? To test my faith? What about this startling reveal of a possibility? Anong dahilan nito, kung meron man?

Naging sisidlan ng usok ang isip ko na hindi ko alam ang gagawin. The next thing to do is to do what is appropriate, but I don't even know what it is! To hunt for the truth, or tame my emotion first. Pero sa huli ay nagpaalipin ako sa emosyon. From the absolute horror to my dragging exit off the Montréal streets, it took me an eternity to make my fourth move and that is contact the sole person I know who to my sheer relief is just a call away.

"Ev..." I called under faint shallow breaths.

I used the meagre remains of my strength to find the nearest café and recompose. Pero kahit nakaupo na at nakainom na rin ng tubig, inaapoy pa rin ng hapdi ang dibdib ko. Mga pinong buhangin ang tila dumadaloy sa ugat ko sa hindi napapawing pamamanhid na isang hakbang lang, tiyak ang aking pagbagsak.

My mouth dries fast despite to have already hydrated myself, kaya hindi ko na naibaba ang baso at panay ang inom ko hanggang sa makalma ang sarili.

Impossible. There's just no other way to put this. Hindi naman siguro ako inimbitahan dito para lang harap-harapan na matutukan ang masalimuot na alaala sa paamagitan ng nakapinta kong mukha puwera na lang kung...

I tensed, allowing my brain access to take stock of this whole juncture. The invitation for me to come here wasn't in any way coerced. In fact, the representative who emailed me could have done all desperate measures just to drag my ass here halfway across the world, but no. I came here of my own accord, held no other reasons but plain work.

So it's impossible!

Iniling ko ang aking ulo, itinanggi sa sarili ang nakita ko. Despite having faced to faced with the graffiti an hour ago, it remained a fresh meat as if it slapped itself against me, begging for my faith, my trust and the resurretion of my damn hope.