OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

FORTY THREE

"I am only able to grasp this possibility by the skin of my teeth, Mama. It still felt like I am caged inside a dream," I tried as hard to compress my exclamations over the phone.

I've been counting the rest of the midday hours for Angelov to grab us lunch before I called my mother. I quite gave her the lowdown on the conversation I had with him earlier, overleaping some parts such as his avowals to name a few, and mainly intended to notify her of our flight back home. Parang bata akong nagsusumbong nang binanggit na ang mga bata. Here, I didn't omit my misgivings in which have only exacerbated as tomorrow approaches fast.

"You don't seem happy," She noted after listening patiently to my outpourings.

Natigilan ako at pinakiramdaman ang sarili. Sinabay ko ang pagbabalik tanaw sa lumipas na dalawang gabi simula sa exhibit. I mentally cop a feel at the surface of that night and as I've concluded, I couldn't say there was happiness. But I also couldn't remember being sad.

"H-hindi naman sa ganoon. It's just..." I sighed, contemplating for the right words

For sure it wasn't a crestfallen reunion. It's just that... It pains me to think that by his return, I expected all would have been well. That everything would fall into their perfect places just as I had hoped. A reckoning of every void to have already been filled. But here I am, mounting on the expedition of my own false assumptions.

"I never heard of such thing exists what we have only read in myths."

Naringgan ko ng aliw ang sinadyang pagbubuntonghininga niya. My lips pulled a little smile and thought to myself how this has also felt objectionably new to me. This might be the warmest I have felt talking to her. Siguro ay dahil ito sa biglaan ko ring napagtanto na panay na pala ang tawag ko sa kanya nitong mga nakaraang buwan. Though I don't think this has something to do with her looking after my children, but apart from that, I suppose the proper talk we had since meeting my son did subsequently draw us closer than how we used to back when I was raised to believe she's my sister.

I also didn't fail to acknowledge how this is most likely one of the massive changes I've undergone. I used to always curb my thoughts. Now I am learning to be more open and communicate clearly. I thought my multiple therapies didn't work but now I can see there are actually improvements. I may have yet to mend fully, but at the very least, talking to someone I trust like Mama verily helps.

"What are you really most worried about, Sam? Ang makita niya ang kambal, ang buhay siya, ang titira na siya kasama ninyo...?"

Iba ang dating sa akin nung huli na agad kong inilingan. I haven't entertained that idea yet and now that she mentioned it, I might have to add this to my reservations too.

"I don't know. Siguro naninibago pa ako. It's been almost a decade, so who knows? Parang... nasanay na yata akong malungkot." I let out a breathless chuckle.

I could hear the muted sound of piano playing softly in the background of Mama's line, maybe leaving Sal with his lessons. When I called her minutes ago, kararating pa lamang niya sa studio galing sa paghatid kay Dorcas sa ballet class nito. Uninvited guilt took a room in my chest for having her to leave work to look after the twins. I once suggested that we can just hire a babysitter, but she took exception to it herself and strongly insisted to care for them.

Her persistence brought me back to our conversation about Graciella. On how she denied her own daughter of parental rights to me. Ngayon ay hindi niya pinapaalaga ang mga bata sa iba, maliban siguro kay Evrard. As I am starting to realize this, I also begin to understand. This is why I didn't broach the babysitting stuff anymore and always indulge Mama to sit with Dorcas and Sal.