OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

NINE

This chapter is on Trigger Warning.

Dumilat ako sa halik ng sinag sa aking mukha. Someone must have opened the curtains for me to directly see what's outside. Or maybe I didn't close it last night. Direkta kong natatanaw ang kalangitan sa labas ng bintana. Pinagbabasehan ang linya mula sa bakal roon ang paglagpas ng gumagapang na ulap.

I closed one eye and saw the cloud below the line continued to go up. Another set of clouds were slowly going down towards the line, tinatagpo ang isang ulap. The blue from the sky narrowed as the clouds meet, pero hindi rin nagdikit. Nagkasalubong lamang at sabay na umakyat. I was waiting for them to create one big cloud to completely cover the blue but... it didn't happen.

Unti-unti akong pumikit at muling nakaidlip. Simpleng pikit lamang at sa aking pagdilat, naging abo na ang mga ulap sa labas. To confirm my silent wonder, the thunder replied a growl. Kumunot ang noo ko. Saglit lang naman akong pumikit, a?

Naigtad ako sa tunog ng alarm. I released an extremely burdened breath while my woke heartbeat is helping me to escape sleep. Hinahagilap ng kamay ko ang maingay na cellphone sa ilalim ng unan at tinapos ang buhay ng tunog. Mas lalong nagparamdam ang pagod sa nakikita kong oras. Ang aga pa. I missed waking up late in the morning. Mas na miss ko namang gumising ng hapon o gabi.

I shifted to my right where the bedside table is. Dumiretso ang mga mata ko sa parihabang picture frame. Kinuha ko iyon at pinagmasdan. One thing I remember everytime with this photo was the first time I saw him wear an actual casual t-shirt. His dark gaze was directly focused on me. Magulo ang buhok dahil sa panay lakbay ng mga daliri niya roon. Galing siya sa pakikipagtawanan sa mga kaibigan nang tinawag ko. The wake of his laughter was so alive when he turned to me in just one call and in perfect timing, I clicked the shot button.

"Good morning..." I whispered and kissed the smiling but unmoving face. Dinadama ang lamig ng frame na unti-unting natunaw sa init ng aking labi.

Hinaplos ko ang bakas ng halik sa kanyang mukha, tracing it as if he's really here... with me, alive with his rough hand on my waist and warm breath on my lips. Unti-unti kong naramdaman ang umuusbong na bigat sa aking dibdib. It was a torture na pakiramdam ko, binabalatan ang puso ko nang harap-harapan habang nakaugnay pa ang ugat sa aking katawan. I have to immensely breathe in just to sooth the deathly ache in my chest.

Mabilis kong binalik ang frame sa mesa, ayaw hintayin ang pagbaba ng mga luha. I turned to the other side and skimmed through the notes on my phone.

Lying in my bed, listening to beat poetry.
A hearing aid to take me back to black and white history.
To talk about the hungry, lost children, war and famine.
It was all about love back then. Now, what happened?

Suicide's an old song that keeps topping my list of favorites.
To know why, I don't. Just fascinated by it.
Ropes and guns. Wounds and blood.
Are endless tangles in my brain.

I understand people who sought for drugs.
I understand people who always needs to get drunk.
I've been where they are, but I would never resort to their vices.
Just give me my knife, I have alternative choices.

This was dated almost seven years ago. Nandito pa rin pala 'to sa memory ng phone ko. My thumb was in between the delete and folder option. Sa huli, bumuntong hininga ako at tumayo na, walang balak burahin ang tula.

"I have to call her." Nilingon ko ang picture frame. "Do you think it's a good idea?"

Alam ko namang walang sasagot sa akin. Even in my head, I couldn't hear him now. Pero nakikita ko siyang nagkibit balikat.

"Ite-text ko na lang siya," pasya ko.

The picture remained smiling at me. Lumapit ako sa bintana at tinanaw ang mga nagtatangkarang gusali sa labas. The sun is lording over the steels and concretes of the city. I could feel the phone in my hand turning warmer the longer I contemplate on simple things like texting her or just...letting it be.