OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

FORTY ONE

I almost tripped on my haste to leave the gallery and answer to Mama's call. Or maybe fleeing was just a petty excuse to drive back to Quentin's condo and never return after what has just happened.

Nearing the door, the camera flashes felt like an assault of a hundred dagger eyes on me, the spectacle of madness that I am, as it is obviously heavy on my face, the fright, and disbelief. Kung hindi lang ako pinigilan ni Quentin para ibigay sa akin ang cellphone ko ay magtutuloy-tuloy ako palabas nang hindi man lang namamalayan na wala akong ibang hawak kundi ang sariling panginginig at ang alaala ng mga nagdaang segundo. I walked out of that door leaving half of my sanity tied in a leash and was held by either the hallucination, figment of a dream or the prayer himself...

"....Are you alright?"

Tila kakahila pa lamang sa akin mula sa laot ay luminaw ang ugong sa paligid. Kahit na ang mga ilaw ay masyadong maliwanag para sa akin na nabubulag ako at nasisilaw pa nang binalingan si Quentin. He asked me something, but I only heard the last bits of it.

"D." Holding my arm, he lightly shook me. His face tight with concern.

Seeing another man's face led me to hope that the other's going to run after me and I would see his face instead. Kinurap ko ang mga mata, inasahan na matunghayan ang unti-unting paghulma ng ibang mukha at makita ang mga pagbabago ngunit sa nagtagal na segundo, si Quentin pa rin ang nasa harapan ko.

"Call your Mom back," he gingerly commanded and enclosed my fingers with the phone in my hand.

Parang kinalabit ang utak ko at natauhan, kumurap muli ako at tumango. I pushed the glass doors and stepped out of the gallery, hunting down a solemn place to talk to Mama and my-- Oh god, Sal and Dorcas! Malamig ang kamay kong sumampal sa aking bibig para pigilan ang tulak ng hikbi. 

It never occured to me to ask anyone if what I have heard back there was real. If... if I indeed felt him in me or was I alone in the dark all along?

How can I face the people back home once I find out it was just my desperation taking its toll? On the other hand, I knew I felt him. I held him and I kissed him... But I couldn't find the courage to look back and catch him watching me walk away or... find no one. Paano kung hindi pala... wala pala?

Pero ano pa nga ba ang ikinakatakot ko kung bago pa man ang gabing ito, tuluyan ko na rin namang tinanggap ang nangyari? I have set my mind to start anew so if that wasn't real back there, if I just lured my last attempt of coping mechanism to get by, or to gratify my thirst for a new memory, then so what?

Nanghahapdi ang dibdib ko. Doon ko pa lang natanto na kanina pa ako naglalakad nang maramdaman ang pangangalay ng aking mga paa kasabay sa pag-vibrate ng cellphone ko. I didn't bother to know where I am inside the hotel. Drained and the shock still hissing in my veins, I leaned against the wall nearest to me.

"Ma--"

"Samara, is it true?" She started sans preamble and went straight to the point.

"Ano?"

"It's all over the news!" She bursted almost hysterically. "Charlie is here, I think he passed out. Sal and Dorcas are trying to wake him up. But anyway, I don't think it matters now that he knows, no? He went here screaming, shocking the kids and told me that y-you know... to watch the news. I don't want to believe it, so I called you and of course to check on you. Totoo ba talaga? Are you with him now? How is he? How are you?"

I mentally pressed rewind to play back Mama's words that further confirms the reality I have just lived.

The world around me has just stopped.