Fated: Wars Against The Heart

Chapter 20: Life Continues

6th August, 2019

Be your own saviour and you'll be a hero to the world.

"The photographs are her mind. The poems are her heart. The vibes are her body. The secrets are her soul.

You can search the whole world, but you won't ever see her in someone else, you won't ever find someone like her. The photographs, poems, vibes and the secrets, they were all her. All along." He left out a deep sigh.

Within the long distances of our hearts, where I could never see or touch you but could only think of you, there, that I love you! Even if you have reached the next stage of fate beneath the dust and soil, or if you belong to a whole new different world, my heart will always reach out for yours through prayers and love, through the long distances of time and memories.

"Ameen, you can't stop practicing medicine just because you think it was your fault. Even when you weren't her official doctor. She haemorrhaged to death, you couldn't have known that. Her body was weak and it's nothing you could have do-"

He cut her off, "I should have been there for her the last two months. To her care. Maybe things could have changed, her body would have reacted differently during the delivery. I should have been more watchful and protective and I should have been . . . just there for her."

Esta pressed her lips, "For a doctor, I can't believe you are leaving things to suppositions. You don't know that."

"Yes I do. What I didn't know was that I loved her!" He gulped.

"You are right. Love is . . . when you don't know." She paused. "But, you can't shut the world out because of this supposing guilt."

He mocked a slow laugh, "You have no idea what's it like to be a doctor. You always feel the reserved guilt. Whether or not they are your patient. Every time a life is lost, the guilt comes to prey on you like you are some kind of known predator." He looked away. "Turns out that in the end, we don't really want what we really wanted." The slow and empty aura dulled around.

"Ameen, trust me, I know what's it like to lose someone you loved. Eventually you have to accept that it's all a part of life. A way of life. You come to reach a point in life where loss becomes something you were expecting, something like an old friend." Esta said, her words even slower and broken. "It's a futile attempt to purposely make yourself feel the guilt when you think the feeling is just there as it's natural, because you hadn't done enough. Yes, it's never too late because whatever happened, whatever you have done within your time with her was all written. You couldn't have done more. Nothing could have changed that. It's like . . you are wishing it to be better than what's already written by Allah? You think you know better? Your thoughts and feelings are better than Allah's knowledge and plan? I know, that's not what you intend, but it comes out that way. And, it wasn't within your decree and fate to have or get done more than what happened. You have to believe that, because if you don't then you are letting the devil win. That's the thing about him, he wants to see you in pain. And when we are in pain, we are likely to go astray, with questions and mindless and vague thoughts, and even feelings, especially when we let them out, because that's the point in which we are the most vulnerable. And suppositions lead to kufr, open the door to shaytaan. It's forbidden and completely illogical. It's one thing to keep the feelings in and it's a whole another thing to bring it out. Often, it's best if we keep the inside in. As often, what's inside, it's never meant to be brought out. It's like, violating the rights of your own insides. It's shaytaan making you think that you haven't done enough, that it's too late. That's why we say, that it's never too late. You have time to repent, to pray for her, to take care of your daughter. That's how you try to remember Taraa. Not in pain, not in useless ifs and in wishful thoughts that would never belong to the reality, and definitely not in long-life grief. You did grieve her, and it's over. Whatever time you had with her, whatever good and bad you did, I mean the mistakes, it's done. You couldn't have done more than that. You did enough. You couldn't have known that she would be gone. That's why death . . . it's always unknown. That's why it's a test."