This Guy {Lams}

Chap. 16

A/N i know the entire alexander hamilton thing is wrong but it needs to fit the plot so shhh

TW- depression and self arm mention, suicide

John's POV

Talk to me, John

"I- can't, Alex." My voice is scratchy from crying.

I never cry.

"If I tell you my story, will you tell me yours?" He asks and I nod slowly.

"Well, John, I was born in the Caribbean. Small island known as Nevis. I was around 5, and my dad... well, he left. And never came home." He begins, his eyes already glossy, "About two years later, my mom got very ill. I did too. She didn't make it." A tear spills out of his eye. "That day, I go to find my cousin. But he's hanging... by his neck." Tears stream out of both of his eyes, landing on his lap. "I- I was put into foster care. I moved to California, and that's when I realized- no one loves me. I was in and out of homes since 7. 8 years of trying to find a family."  He ends is story. He shoves his head into his hands, he takes shaky breaths.

I immediately get off of Angie's bed and sit next to Alex. I wrap my arm around him, letting his tears seep into my already-stained shirt.

"Only Thomas knows." He sighs, still crying.

"Guess it's my turn..." I let out a soft, fake laugh. "I... I was born with an older brother. Liam. He was three years older than me, but did everything for me. He was like me, and I was like Martha." I sigh, "He would tease me and wrestle me until he would pin me down, victory glimmering in his eyes. When I was 8, he was 11. He went to his friend's house and never came home. I never heard from him since. That day, I fell into a depression... My father became abusive, and my mom would leave often. My father is still abusive, but mom is around a lot. Well, from the ages of 9 to... well, now, I was depressed. Of course, not diagnosed. My father would beat the shit out of me if he found out I was weak. I would... cut myself... until last year. When I met you. You added to Jefferson's esteem. You and him would... beat me. And it felt good. It felt like I was harming myself again, but I promised Martha I wouldn't do it again. That's why I was sad when you said you might be leaving. Well, look at us now. Hugging on the ground." I laugh, a tear slipping down my cheek. "Crying shows weakness, and I have to be strong for my family." I explain.

Alex looks up at me, still crying.

He lifts my hand and grabs my sleeve lightly, "C-can I?" 

I nod. He lifts up my sleeve. He traces the scars with his fingers. Many of them have faded, but there are a few deep ones that haven't.

His eyes fill with horror.

"John... I had no idea..."

"No shit. Only Peggy and Martha knows." I laugh lightly. I am thrown off guard when Alex hugs me.

Not like half-ass side hug we were doing on the floor. He grabs my wrist and forces me to stand up. He wraps his arms around my neck; I naturally follow, my arms slip around his waist.

He pulls me tighter, kissing me roughly. He licks my bottom lip, asking for access. I open my mouth slightly as he forces his tongue into my mouth. I fight back, losing. He tangles his fingers in my hair, pushing my face closer to his.

The door opens and everyone sees two 16 year old guys hugging and crying, ruining my daydream. 

-

Alex and I get drove home by Angie.

We walk into my room.

"Alex, there's one thing I haven't told you. If you wanna leave, you can." I begin, "I- I'm actually gay."

He pauses. He stares at me.

It feels like hours until he stops. It was only a few seconds, but it feels so much longer.

He pulls a pocket knife out of his jacket. He grabs my wrist. "Fag..." he mutters, drawing on my skin with the silver blade. 

"John... I..." I cut him off by walking out. I walk and don't stop. I get to a crosswalk.

Alex: john come back.

John: no, alex. I'm never coming back.

I let a tear slip out of my eye.

TheSquad™

John: I love you guys. See you on the other side.

I mute my phone. I walk over to the park. The park where Alex punched me and I realized I didn't hate him. The punch that caused me to like him. Platonically. Yeah, I'm gay, but I honestly don't like him that way. If I did, I would've gotten a boner every time I saw him in my boxers, which was often.

I sit on the edge of the pond.