Find My Way Back To You

Chapter 15

--- EMMA'S POV ---

As me and the past version of my mom walk towards the loft, I constantly fear that she'll more questions that I shouldn't answer. But thankfully she doesn't. That's a great thing since I'm always so eager to answer them in order to reassure everyone that everything will be okay. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that it wouldn't matter since I plan to erase everyone's memories, but I can't do that. I might be able to control my magic by now. That doesn't mean though, that I am an expert on spells and potions and those kinds of things. Who knows if the memories will be the only things affecting my time line? I just have to be cautious for now – until I find out more about time travel.

I plan to go to the library tomorrow. Maybe Belle has a book there on it – and if she doesn't, it won't be a waste of time either since it'll be great to see her again. She's missed dearly. It's moments like these when I wish Killian was here with me even more than I already do. Belle was like his best friend and I'm sure he'd be delighted to get a chance to see her once more. Her death was so unnecessary. I never even understood Gold's logic. He obviously is insane and twisted enough to believe that moving to a realm with a faster timeline with your mortal wife, when you're immortal is something that makes sense. Who knows? Or he's just that cruel to everyone – including the people he claims to love.

That's also the moment I realize, that all this excitement about seeing Belle again was for nothing. I can't visit her – well I could, but she won't know who I am since she currently has Lacey's memories and she's in the hospital. Too bad. I was so happy. Why am I nowadays constantly such an optimist, when the world usually just disappoints you? Maybe it's because I'm in a great mood ever since I found out that I was going to have Hope. Or it's my mother's fault for constantly surrounding me with a bunch of optimistic thoughts. It's probably the latter. I don't want to blame Hope for anything, also my mom's been a longer influence then my lovely baby – and a more annoying one. Sometimes at least. Other days my mom is pretty great. That's on the days, that she isn't acting like she wishes Regina was her daughter instead of me. It's really sad actually, that sometimes she seems to love her wicked stepmother more than she loves me.

But well, at least that gives me my freedom at times. I know how my mother acts when she cares – I had to live with that since she found out about my pregnancy – and it can be very exhausting. It was the wedding planning all over again. I don't think I got a single moment to myself for weeks at a time because my mom was obsessing over something new every single week. It all started with planning all my doctor appointments, then she moved on to planning the nursery, the baby shower and so on. And whenever my mom wasn't hanging out at my house, Killian took me to the store with him to show me a new onesie or plushie he found for our little one. He said he did it to get my opinion, but I know him. He always intended to buy them. But his excitement doesn't annoy me like my mother's since I love to see him happy. It automatically makes me happy too.

Thankfully my mom's excitement has cooled down a little since Hope was born and she's gone back to her job as a teacher. Either that happened, or my dad told her to give us some space in order for us to be exhausted by Hope's inconsistent sleep patterns, so he can babysit more often. I wouldn't put it past him since sometimes he literally begs us to relax, while he takes care of Hope.

Soon I realize that my mother is once again in planning mode. I was so lost in my thoughts and worries, that I didn't even notice we were walking to the store, instead the loft. When we both walk inside, I look at my mom with a confused, questionable look. "What exactly are we doing here, mom?"

"Buying a little travel crib for my granddaughter of course. They don't have regular cribs here in Storybrooke. At least not any that you don't have to build up first." My mom answers with an enthusiastic smile.

If she knows this fact, then she probably planned to have a second child for far longer than I thought. I don't know how to feel about that since it's of like she just found me and a week later she realized I wasn't enough. It sure does bring back some dark thoughts, that I haven't had in a while about my whole abandonment issues. I really need to get back to Killian. With him, I always feel wanted. It took me a while to accept it since it scared me when we first met, but I somehow always knew, that he wasn't faking his affections just to get into my pants or as a sort of master plan to hurt me. Deep down I always knew that I can trust him.

And right now, that is something I really miss – a person I can trust a hundred percent. Someone I can talk to about anything and no matter what, they wouldn't judge me for it. I know my parents wouldn't judge me about many things, but I still can't be honest with them about so many things since they're sort of spoilers. And I also know for a fact that there are things in my life, that the past versions of my parents wouldn't approve of like me using my magic and my relationship with Killian. In the future they do approve, but a lot has happened since then. And I mean they will agree in a year or so to my plan to take my magic away, which almost got me trapped inside a hat. Thankfully Elsa was there. I don't even know what would have happened to me otherwise – who knows if I ever would've gotten out of the hat. Gold might have succeeded in killing Killian and Gold's secret would've died with him.

I'm glad now that I kept my magic. It's a great tool to protect my daughter from any harm.

Speaking of my little angel. She's the only person I can freely talk to right here, but she can't really understand nor answer me. And there's the risk of getting overheard by the past versions of Storybrookes population. So, it's not as good as being back in my time line with my husband either.

So, I am very lonely. I can hardly even remember when I was last this lonely. But it probably changed on one very monumental day. A day that changed my whole life – made it better. The day Henry knocked on my door and therefore came back into my life. He saved me then, but this time he can't do that. I have to save myself. I have to do it for all the people, that are waiting for me in Storybrooke – even though they won't even know that I'm gone, unless I'll never find my way back home, which I refuse to even consider.