Find My Way Back To You

Chapter 10

--- EMMA'S POV ---

I leave the sheriff station, foolishly hoping that Emma is still right in front of it, but of course that was just wishful thinking. When have I become such an optimist anyway? It must have been sometime between Storybrooke suddenly becoming a peaceful place, my wedding and my baby's birth.

Now I have to find Emma though, so there's no time to be sentimental or to think back to happy moments. I have to think of where I would've gone in the past, when I didn't want anyone to find me. I walk around a little and soon realize, that my car isn't in its usual spot. Oh crap. That just made my search far more complicated. If she has a car, she could literally be anywhere by now. I'm sure seeing my future self back then, would've send me running back to Boston. I did try it quite often. But I never left town because whenever I reached the town line, I thought of Henry's face once he realized I was gone for good. It always broke my heart into a million pieces and made me turn back around to head home to him. Let's just hope I haven't messed up the past enough to really send Emma running, I think, while starting the car and driving towards the town line in the kind of stolen sheriff car. It's not mine here after all, even though it kind of is. Time-travel is so damn confusing. I already hate it after only experiencing it twice. Why does it seem so glamorous and fun in movies anyway? That's a straight up lie.

And the worst thing is that I'm alone with a baby this time. She is no real help to me since she can't tell me, when I'm making a mistake or when I'm just purely stupid. Killian mostly tried to stop me from doing either of those things during our time-travel adventure. I didn't realize back then just how grateful I was that he jumped after me through the time portal. I know he always claims to have fallen through it too, when he tried to pull me out of the portal. But I know that's not exactly the truth. I don't even need my superpower to tell me that. I fell through the portal, he jumped because he was afraid to lose me again. The missing year messed him up pretty much, even though he pretends to have had a great year. I know he was miserable though. He missed me and I'm sure he held his promise to me by thinking of me every single day we were apart.

Deep down I also thought of him, too. I might not have had my memories, but our connection is so strong, that not even a curse can completely erase it. So, I might not have thought directly about Killian, but I remember having dreams about someone who was just like Killian – by the looks and also the personality. Whenever I woke up from these dreams, I felt lost and lonely – like my whole life was a huge lie. I always wished that Walsh was more like the man in my dreams, more like Killian. But I never let myself admit that – not until my memories and Killian returned anyway. My walls were still so high back then and I knew, that being with Walsh couldn't hurt me. I felt safe because I never really loved him. Sure, I was content with him and I did consider his proposal, but he never truly broke down any of my walls, nor did he ever win my heart. It's like Henry said that one time we were in New York – I was a miserable person during the missing year, pretending to be a happy one. The only thing that made me happy was Henry, but we both were aware that there was something missing – our family.

Now I might need to show Emma that this town is her home and the people in it her family. She'll learn to trust and love them all eventually. Unless we're not alike at all and I'm in some weird alternate universe like that time we were all in the storybook.

When I reach the town line, I see the yellow bug standing exactly in front of the town line. If it moves just one inch forward, the bug will only partly be in Storybrooke. This is good though. Emma seems to be hesitating to leave, which means she won't leave. I've gotten to this point so often after all. She'll stay, otherwise she would already be gone.

I quickly park the sheriff car at the side of the road, get out of the car, walk to Emma and get into the passenger seat of the bug. At first she seems to ignore me, but then she turns to me. "What do you want here?" she sounds annoyed, but her eyes betray her. She's still that broken lost girl, who didn't think she mattered and never thought she would. I can tell, that deep down she's grateful I'm here – that I didn't just abandon her, when I realized how messed up she is.

I put my hand on her shoulder and smile at her. "I know how overwhelming all of this seems, but don't worry. Everything is going to be alright."

"Get out of my car. Unless you want to go to Boston with me." She still tries to sound cold and bitter, but I won't give up that easily. I know what she needs, and I don't intend to abandon her. She needs to know that she can trust me and her trust doesn't come as easily as it does for others because of our tragic childhood. She doesn't just give it away easily, so I have to earn it. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. I know I have to take her memories away later on to preserve the time line, but that doesn't mean I can't help her now. She deserves to be happy – even if it's just for a few days.

"You're not going to Boston. I know that it seems like you want to go there right now, but you'd regret it as soon as you drive into the city – probably earlier. Why else are you still standing here? In front of the town line, but never passing it?"

"That's none of your business. Now leave, so that I can finally head to Boston. I had a nice life there. I miss living there and being a bail bonds woman."

I sigh. I never realized just how stubborn I am – it's really infuriating. Everyone keeps telling me, but I always deny it. Just now I see how right everyone is. But I can fully blame my parents for it since I inherited stubbornness from them. It runs through our family after all. I also gave it to Henry, I think, even though it hasn't progressed as much as it has with every other Charming family member. But it will – sooner or later.

"You don't really miss the city, Emma. You're just scared. Back there, in Boston, no one cared about you and you didn't care for anyone in return. There was no risk of getting hurt since that requires you to have trust in someone first. But you're not alone anymore. You have Henry, whom you love more than anyone else. You'd never leave him, which is why I know you won't go back to Boston. You know how much it would hurt him, if you abandoned him."

"I tossed him away before. What makes you think, I won't do it again?" There's the slightest break in her voice. Even though her walls are miles high, she doesn't believe her statement herself. She's hurting alone at the thought of leaving Henry. I knew it.

"You gave him up for adoption because you had no other choice. You wanted him to have his best possible life and it wasn't with you at the time. But now, that he's found you, you won't let him go so easily. You'd even hesitate if he asked you to leave. Deep down you know, that you can't live your life without Henry - not anymore. He's got your unconditional love. You still close of your heart to anyone, who wants to get close to you –but not Henry. You'd never push him away because it wouldn't just make you miserable, it'd make him miserable, too. And his happiness is your highest priority."