Find My Way Back To You

Chapter 23

--- EMMA'S POV ---

Our search at the library turns out to be a total waste of time and energy. Seems like Gold wasn't kidding, when he said time travel hasn't been done yet. There isn't any information about it in the Storybrooke library. It looks like I won't be able to find anything about it in any book elsewhere either. I guess I'll have to be creative then since I really do want to get back home. I can't wait for someone to 'invent' time travel.

I can't get home before I fixed everything else though, so when Emma excuses herself to go check on the sheriff station as we make our way back to the loft, I get an idea. Everything between Emma and Killian is kind of tense because of her walls and insecurities. I can't let it get any worse, so I decide to search for Killian at the docks. I'll have to make sure, that he never mentions the kiss – or at least makes it unbelievable for Emma. I'll just have to mention to him, that I was only babysitting Hope. Then he won't mention her to Emma and she'll think the kiss only happened in his dreams. I hate to pretend she's someone else's baby, but I see no other way right now. It'll only be for a few minutes anyway. I can do this. Let's just hope that he can't see right through my lie.

If I pull it off right, he should believe me. I mean, I never mentioned that she was my daughter, when we first met. I did act like I love her a lot – which is the truth – but that's how many people act around babies. It shouldn't make him wary.

This visit is also a way for me to see a version of my lovely husband. He might not actually be my Killian since his memories are different, but he is somehow my Killian anyway – he'll be him one day after all. So, deep down he's still the man I love and the man who loves me. I miss him so much even though it's just been a day, so I don't really care if he remembers our love for each other or not. I just want to see him. I'm sure looking at him will give me new strength and some inspiration, that I need in order to figure out how to get back home.

When I reach the docks, I instantly walk onto the deck of the Jolly Rodger. Killian might not like it, when people come aboard his ship without permission, but I don't think he minds me – not even in the past. He always liked my company in some way even if it was only to flirt with me in order to annoy me.

I don't spot him on the deck, so I call his name – getting into character for the first time. I'll have to pretend to be my past self in order for my plan to work. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Pretending to be myself in another timeline? I lived through this. My life might be very different now, but I'll manage. I have to – there's no way back now anyway. "HOOK?"

A few moments later, Killian climbs up from below deck. He was in his captain quarters. "Swan, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

I cross my arms as we approach each other further. "Nothing. Just hanging out right here." I can't just say what I came to say. He'll definitely figure out that I'm lying in that case. No, I need to be smart here. I'll have to be patient – maybe as patient as Killian had to be before we got together. But hopefully that won't necessary since I really don't have that much time on my hands. I need to check on my baby. I haven't seen for hours, which is the longest we've ever been apart.

"That's not it, Emma. Why the sudden visit?" He looks at me with those blue orbs and I get lost in them for a moment. But who could blame me, right? He has the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. It's the same eyes my daughter has, too, my two loves.

Maybe I should just tell Killian that he needs to be patient with, which would fix not only the Hope problem, but also the Emma and him one. Then I'll act like I have to leave because I promised someone I'll babysit Hope for them.

I turn around, acting like I'm about to leave. This way I might also find out more about what happened last night. Emma told me plenty, but not everything, so it must be something big. She admitted many important things, so I don't even know what she could possibly hide. But I guess Killian can help me with that. "But if that bothers you, I can just go."

I take a step forward, but Killian is already touching my arm and blocking my way off the ship. He bought it. Looks like I can be a good actress after all, unless Killian is as confused today as Emma because of last night. That's probably it. Otherwise he would've seen through my act already. He can normally read me like an open book after all.

"That's not what I meant, love, and you know it. So, why are you here? Is this about what happened last night?" he looks at me with sadness in his eyes. My past self must have done something to hurt him, which caused her pain, too. She just doesn't admit it. That's probably the part she hides so well. But what exactly did happen? I'm more curious than ever.

"Nothing happened last night, so don't ever mention it again." I say. I hope he'll just repeat the whole story now. He did always try to make me see what's going on between us back when I acted like we're nothing to each other.

Killian sighs and takes a deep breath. "Is this how it's always going to be? We have a moment and then you'll pretend it didn't happen?"

"I'm not pretending. Nothing did happen." I'm holding my breath every time I finish a sentence. I thought this would be easier. The words do come to me automatically, but I'm never really sure, if they're the right words to say. I could act exactly like my past self right now, but I could also be her polar opposite. I have no idea. Why is this so hard to tell? I am her. This should be a cakewalk.

Well it does prove how much my life has changed for the better. I can't even pretend to be the person I used to be now.

But my acting is probably okay. If Killian would have noticed something weird by now, he'd probably mention it. So, I should be fine.

"Bloody hell, Emma. You know exactly what happened! You're just acting like last time. Is this going to be us for the rest of our lives now? You're going to kiss me – or well almost kiss me – and the next day you'll run away from your feelings and pretend it never happened?"

What the hell?! She almost kissed him? I knew something was off about her today, but I never even considered that! I thought Emma was more stubborn than me, but she's actually doing better than I ever did.

Huh. I guess they don't need my help after all. Killian is obviously never going to give up, which I never should've doubted. And Emma is slowly starting to accept her feelings – in her own pace, but sooner than me anyway. They'll be just fine.

"What are you so scared of, Emma? I get that you've been hurt before, but you can trust me. I swear. I'm not that guy, who hurt you. I'll never cause you any pain. I promise." He's begging me by now. Wow. This is just like Neverland all over again. Then he also fell in love with me right after our first kiss. I changed a lot in the timeline with that accidental kiss.

I give him a sad smile. If I wouldn't have to pretend to be Emma right now, I'd probably lunge at him and kiss the holy daylight out of him to cheer him up and give him hope. I'm kind of falling in love with him all over again. But I can't, so I concentrate on not crying and put my hand lightly on his cheek.

"Just be patient with me, okay?" I say softly. He raises his eyebrow at me, obviously in shock about my sudden change of heart, but I can see that he believes me. I give him one more meaningful look, before dropping my hand from his cheek and taking a step backwards.

"I have to leave now. I'm babysitting baby Hope again." I start to turn away, but Killian's voice stops me.

"Wait, Hope? I thought she was your child?" He asks confused.

"No. Did I look pregnant to you back in the Enchanted Forest?" I fire back. I leave him at that note. I'm glad he doesn't say anything further because I can't keep pretending any longer. It's very hard. I hated having to say, that I only babysit Hope. I really need to hold her now to make up for it.

Also, I can't be around him any longer and pretend that I'm not in love with him. I can't be past Emma anymore. I don't ever want to go back to how life was before, that's for certain.