The Challenge

33

It must have been about an hour after I left Harry's that I managed to make it home. Even though the walk was short and usually only took about twenty minutes to get from mine to his, I found myself wandering around the area around his house that evening. It must have been about ten or eleven at night but it didn't matter to me. The area was safe and usually pretty quiet so it gave me ample time to think.  

But I couldn't do that. Thinking was what I had intended to do, initially. But after the few thousand times my mind ran over our exchange.. I grew numb to any feeling and my mind shut off, completely blanking and I was unable to do anything other than wander around the neighborhood idly. It was enough for my brain to connect to my physical movements and control my actions, ordering myself silently to place one foot in front of the other and swerve to avoid the odd rubbish bin or bench that was in my direct footpath.

As I stood in front if my building, I didn't even want to go inside yet because I thought of the last time I was home. How Harry had done something similar to me, the day before. It seemed no matter where I went; I was haunted by memories of him, good and bad. For as much fun as we had in my flat just the two of us before the challenge began and the memory of our passionate exchanges, all that could be completely cancelled out by a few harsh words, tainting any happy memories that there were.

I turned away from my building and decided to continue my aimless meandering around Central London. It was a bit chilly out and damp as it started to lightly rain, but it was nothing more than a drizzle really and did not bother me in my current zombie like state. God forbid I actually passed anyone who knew me, they wouldn't have been able to recognize me, I don't think. Or maybe they would and they would instantly be able to tell what happened to me. Maybe they'd know my heart had not only been broken, but it shattered a few times over and currently sat in my chest cavity, empty, cold and unfeeling.

The emptiness worked inside out and caused me to embrace the catatonic state, almost thankful for the numbness that didn't enable me to feel anything because honestly, at this point, feeling nothing was better than feeling something.

I had no words to describe the heartbreak. I was left absolutely speechless. I didn't even notice I had wandered the streets of London all night until I glanced up at the sky and noticed it began to change to a dusky blue color and the stars were slowly disappearing out of my sight. Dawn was coming and I had managed to save myself from one night of crying myself to sleep, which meant I only had an infinite amount more to get myself through until I finally would be able to say I was okay.  Maybe.

I'm not sure if okay would be a good word to describe it? When you've sunk to your lowest and try to rehabilitate yourself from that state, where do you go from there? And what even is the definition of the lowest point? I had thought what happened yesterday was low.. Even for him.. But no.. Today.. Last night? Since it was now technically Monday morning, was even lower.. Probably the lowest. The worst thing he could have ever possibly done, he did. And just the simple reminder of that during this fleeting moment caused my heart to break all over again.

What had I done to deserve something like that? 

I can think of two or three people, my mind answered always loving the opportunity to play devil’s advocate. I could have had a mental argument with myself, but instead, I drowned out my thoughts with my music and decided to walk home after seeing it was nearly 6 in the morning. I unlocked the door to the main building and climbed the three floors to my level and unlocked my flat. I walked into my bedroom, not bothering to flick on the lights since the curtains were open and dim hazy light shone through the windows.

I lit a few candles and placed the around the bathroom so it illuminated me as I showered in warm glowing light. When finished, I walked out to my bedroom and wrapped my hair in a towel and spread myself out on my bed, feeling vulnerable in that moment, as I lay there completely bare. Eventually, I got up and decided to dress myself, not paying particular attention to the outfit I had chosen for the day. Something dark, since it was still partially dark in my room. Grey jeans and a black loose Henley covered my body and I put on black heels before wrapping my hair in a bun on the top of my head and putting on a quick coat of mascara.