Memory in the End

Chapter 34: Night Talks

In my sleep, I had dreamt of hands closing around my neck. I saw the Five in front of me, but I couldn't call out to them. When I opened my mouth, nothing came out. There were more hands, grabbing me, pulling me into the darkness. I awoke with a start, breathing heavily. I sat up in my bed and held my head in my hands, trying to calm myself. Even though I told them I was fine, and I'd also fooled myself into thinking so, it seems that I was more affected than I thought.

I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness before looking around. The room had just enough beds so that no one had to sleep on the floor, but that meant that the Five had to share. I was given a bed to myself, while Aru, Henry, and Ivan did their best to squeeze into one bed, and Owyne and Michael in another. The sight of them helped to calm my racing heart, but I couldn't fall back to sleep right away. There was a sudden noise outside the balcony, and my head whipped around to the doors. Carefully and quietly, I climbed out of bed and grabbed the dagger that I'd placed underneath my pillow. I had taken it from Henry just to feel safer. I did my best to walk on my toes as I approached the door. With my dagger at the ready, I placed my hand on the doorknob, took a deep breath, and swung it open. The only thing there to greet me was a low hanging tree that must have gotten bent over by the wind. I looked around the balcony, and stepped out to look below and above, before breathing a big sigh of relief. I was too on edge. I can't believe I was so scared by a simple tree brushing the balcony.

I leaned onto the balcony railing and sighed. The night air was cool and refreshing. My heart was beating loudly again; I wanted it to stop. This pounding in my chest was only making me feel worse. Just what was I so scared of? Being attacked? No, I've faced worse before. Xenia and Victor were scarier than those men. And yet, this one time has left me so terrified.

The sound of footsteps behind me made me jump, and I unsheathed my dagger as fast as I could. But when I turned around, a hand grabbed the handle, stopping me. I looked up to see Ivan, and sighed again. I resheathed the dagger before giving Ivan a small smile.

"Sorry Ivan, did I wake you?" I said, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice, "I was just getting some air."

He glanced to my side, "And you needed your dagger for that?"

I shifted my gaze and made a futile attempt to hide it behind me. Ivan walked up and hoisted himself onto the railing. He looked back at me and patted the seat beside him, "Come on. Despite how dirty this town is, the night views are something else."

I climbed up onto the railing next to him. Looking down, it was quite high, but the railing was wide enough for me to sit safely while dangling my legs over the edge. Besides, even if I fell, Ivan wouldn't let me crash to the ground. Ivan and I sat there, staring at the night sky peeking over the tops of the buildings. There was a full moon that looked close enough to touch, and the stars glittered brightly against their dark, blue tinted back drop. I felt the wind blow back my hair and cool my neck and face.

"So," Ivan broke the silence, "I wasn't expecting to have another balcony talk so soon." There was another moment of silence before he continued. "I'm not a mind reader, Arrabella. The only thing I know is that you need to talk about whatever it is."

"But I don't know what it is!" I exclaimed, squeezing the edge of the railing with my hands, "I don't want to talk about this. I just want to pretend it never happened." I lowered my gaze to the street below us, "When I closed my eyes, I saw them coming for me again, but what I feared the most wasn't them. I don't know why I'm like this, Ivan. I don't know what I'm scared of. I am just so terrified by everything. My heart feels like it will beat out of my chest and I can't breathe."

I felt Ivan shift beside me and his face came into view as he leaned over to peer up at me. "That's a lie. You do know." his gaze toward me was unwavering, "It's something that you don't want to put to words, and I understand. If you put that fear into words, it becomes more real, as if we're giving it life. But sometimes that needs to be done."