Trust Issues | e.d

F I F T Y - F O U R

⚠️ Please read before continuing with the chapter! ⚠️

So, I'm currently writing this chapter days after the Logan Paul suicide situation, and I want you guys to know beforehand that as I write this chapter, it feels like I am walking on eggshells at the moment because I DO NOT want to offend or hurt anyone for what happens in my fanfictions, especially since in this part of the fanfiction the main character is dealing with the aftermath of her suicide attempt. What I write isn't meant to cause harm or offend anyone. If you EVER feel like you're at a point in your life where you feel alone, please feel free to message me, or even comment to say you would like to talk to someone. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. YOU'RE WORTH EVERYTHING. YOU'RE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU, SO PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU THAT THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS COMING SOON. 💜

I would also like to pay my respects to the victim in Logan's disrespectful video. I'm sorry that they thought suicide was the only way out for them, I'm sorry that their suicide was made fun of and put out in the public for everyone to see. I'm just sorry for the victim and the victim's family. 😟💜

You are LOVED, you are WORTHY, you are AMAZING, you are STRONG, and you WILL get through this. Please remember this no matter what. 💜

Suicide Hotline: (800) 273-8255

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"You have to learn how to walk before you can run."

That was the last thing that my therapist told me, and it was the only thing I was thinking about at the moment.

She told me that I should write down my feelings, such as who hurt me, who made me happy, what made me happy, what I wanted in life.

So I currently sit in my room, with my journal in front of me as tears fall silently.

I look down at the paper, with the ink bleeding because of my tears that fell on top of them. My eyes scan over the writing, repeating everything in my head.

Avery - We were close friends Freshman year. We started talking because of a common interest of bands. She was the type of person who I knew I just wanted to instantly be friends with, I felt like I could trust her with my whole life secrets...and I did. But she fucked me over by using one of them against me. Everyday after school she began hooking up with Kendall, the guy who I had feelings for at the time. It's been three years and I never let it go. And now, we're not even friends anymore. This whole time, she was only using me, she was using me to get information out of me to go back and tell Mackenzie. Our whole "friendship" was a lie. She also tried to turn Ethan away from me. That day she pulled him in and kissed me felt like a slap to the face because no matter how much I tried to be happy, there was always someone there to ruin my happiness, and I never thought that someone who I knew for years would ever do that to me.

Mom - I was never good enough for her. She wanted me to be the "perfect" daughter, but I'm not...and I never will be. I'm tainted. She's beat me, she's humiliated me in front of my grandparents, our family, Ethan's parents...everyone. She's lied to me. My father wasn't my biological father. I have a sister. My whole life was a lie for 17 years because of my mom.

Ethan - He was someone I never thought I'd see myself with. We're complete opposites. I told my self that Junior year was going to be about me, my family and friends. But I decided to go to that fucking party and he came along and it all just went to hell. My grades suffered and I let go of myself. Slowly, my life was falling apart...and I didn't even know it. My relationship with my mom was already at an all time low, but adding Ethan into my life only added more fuel to the fire. A year of my life was spent suffering. I cried for a year because of him, and I hate it. I hate myself for it and I always will. If I hadn't made a deal that was based out of pure sex, then I probably wouldn't be in the mess that I'm in now. I hated how he'd talk to other girls just to piss me off, I hated how he used to play with my feelings. I'm not used to being weak. I'm not used to showing so much emotion to someone. All the arguing, crying, confusion, frustration that led to the final moment of Ethan finally exploding and revealing his feelings towards me was pure and utter relief. But we still went through hell because of my family and Mackenzie. They hate the thought of us being together, they can't stand the thought of me finally being happy, and I'm sure that they'll continue to hurt us. But was everything we went through and everything we will have to go through worth all the pain, suffering and self hate? It's not. I miss my old life. The life where I didn't give a shit about what was said about me, where I could go out with friends and not have to worry about someone worrying about me. I miss only caring about myself sometimes. But I, Malia LaMont am so in love with Ethan Grant Dolan that I'm willing to fight for him no matter what. No matter how much people tell me I can do better or I should move on, or tell me that he's not worth my time, they don't know a damn thing about who's worthy or not for me. We've been through hell and back...and we always manage to find our way back to eachother, I'm not about to give him up.