Into the Light

Into The Unknown

Severus stood before the large mirror in his private office. He straightened his shirt yet again and tucked it in, adjusting his belt before he eyed him reflection critically. Julie was of the opinion that their shopping trip to Hogsmeade had been a success. Severus, on the other hand, hesitated to assent to his wife's opinion.

His doubtful gaze wandered over the dark green shirt and he fidgeted on the sleeves before he adjusted his posture, eyeing himself once again. No matter how determined he had been this morning, now he had to deal with the result of his decision. Severus glance spoke volumes. He closed his eyes and ran his hands over his forearms. He missed his jacket. Severus felt naked. His strained gaze wandered restlessly over the unfamiliar sight that greeted him and he shifted nervously.

Why was this jacket so important to him? His eyes fell on his hands, which still rubbed his forearms. His own touch felt unpleasant. Severus shook his head and pushed the thought aside. He had already worn a shirt before, but it had been on rare events. But now ... now he would only wear shirts. Although he felt uncomfortable, he had to confess that it also felt liberating in an unusual way.

As he stared in the mirror, he saw Julie enter the room and walk toward him. Seeing her approach, Severus inhaled deeply, being overcome by a strange sense of relieve. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, peering over his shoulder. Their eyes met and his heartbeat quickened. It was her touch that made his heart beat faster. Without the jacket he could feel the warmth of her body immediately as her hands wandered slowly over his chest, her slender fingers tracing its small buttons.

She said nothing but placed a kiss on his shoulder. Severus closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying her gesture, before turning to her. He smiled and brushed a few strands of hair out of her face. Her cheeks where still reddened from their walk to Hogsmeade, making her look all the more attractive, he thought, as he held her in an endearing embrace.

"You do not look like yourself, "she said softly.

Severus looked at her with a tense expression, "I do not feel like myself," he admitted, pulling her closer against his body.

"How do you feel now, and how does it feel to be you?" Julie asked cautiously, knowing that she had asked him a risky question.

Severus' eyes widened and he drew a sharp breath. But then he looked thoughtful. The vertical crease between his eyebrows deepened, and Julie wondered what was going on in his mind.

"How does it feel like to be me?" he repeated slowly, contemplating her question. "Uh, tense ... I feel tense and restless ... and sadly still most of the time alert. That feels the worst, I believe," he said with an expression of serious concern. "I know I have nothing to fear, but ... it's not easy to change habits, especially after so many years." He swallowed and rubbed the small of her back. "I no longer act compulsively in every situation. And I believe that my need to have absolutely everything under control is no longer as strong as it once was. I'm no longer hunted by darkness wherever I go for there is a light. My existence doesn't feel solitary as it once did. I only rarely feel lonely." A tender smile graced his lips for a second, then it was gone. "I am also happy and I have learned to relax in your presence. I often feel content and I'm full of expectation." He looked at her belly before he gazed into her eyes again.

"And now, at this moment," he said, looking seriously at his reflection, "Now I am ... confused?" he said, questioningly. Severus turned his attention to his wife. "And how do you feel now, and how does it feel to be you?" he repeated her question with earnest curiosity.

Julie laughed, as he raised his eyebrows expectantly. "Well, um... "

Severus waited patiently as he studied the fine features of her face intently.