Into the Light

Opening Up

Severus sat in his small study and stared stubbornly at the Dark Forest through the window.

"Why are you so repulsive," asked Poppy sternly, who stood with her arms crossed over her chest in front of his desk. "Can't you pull yourself together?"

Severus glanced at Poppy briefly before he turned his attention back to the window.

"Where is Julie?" Poppy asked, before her searching gaze wandered through the study. "She was neither at lunch nor at dinner."

Severus inhaled sharply as he began to fumble with his wand that lay on his desk, "She's in Minerva's office," he replied, audibly annoyed. "Minerva has two students who can't understand transfiguration."

Poppy laughed, "And Julie gives them tuition?"

"Yes," Severus growled. "I'd rather have her here with me than to see her waste her time with these dunderheads."

Poppy could understand Severus, but was of the opinion that a little distance could not hurt. "Julie will be fine if she does something without you, Severus. After all, you spend the lessons together and your spare time, which is practically the whole day. Apart from that, Julie will surely be better off elsewhere at this moment. Your presence is, uh, let me say, less pleasant."

"You do not really have any spare time here," replied Severus, annoyed, as his eyes turned back to the window, while he chose to ignore Poppy's comment on his mood.

Poppy sighed, "Severus is it really only the students .. or are you upset about something else?" The absence of his answer confirmed Poppy's assumption. "I know that you'd like to control everything. But unfortunately this is not possible. You should try to accept it and you will soon realize that it will make you happier and more balanced. "

Severus glanced at her gloomily. He did not like the fact that he did not have full control. Although a few things had turned out to be positive in his life, the certainty that he could not control everything was driving him insane. He hated it. Severus growled and twisted his hands into fists. For days he had tried to suppress it. He had not wanted to name this feeling, but today he had done so, at least in his mind. Hate. He hated it. And how deeply this hatred reached. It seemed to shake his foundations. Severus leaned his head against the backrest and stared at the window. The muscles of his jaw were painfully tense. He was frustrated, deeply frustrated with himself, since he was once again rather unpleasant, as he had always been. Or as Poppy called it, repulsive. And the bad thing about it was that Poppy was absolutely right.

'As always,' shouted his hateful inner voice. Severus frowned, and his gaze darkened. How long had this voice already dictated his life? When had it started? What had been the trigger at the time? His gaze wandered along the window-sill, across the wall, and to the shelf, that accommodated innumerable bottles filled with potions. The brown bottle in the third shelf on the far right was nearly empty. He had to brew Julie's sleeping potion again. Julie ... Severus took a deep breath and closed his eyes. For a moment he sat perfectly still and he pondered over his present situation. It did not matter since when this voice had commanded and controlled him, he told himself. All that really mattered was how long he would allow that voice to continue to do so. Severus did not want to hear this voice anymore. He could not hear it anymore. It made him sick. He wanted to have his peace at last. But this voice was constantly present, it was loud and intrusive, and it always had an opinion - which Severus no longer always shared. Nevertheless, his life was still dictated by his inner voice...

Severus inhaled sharply and tried to relax his tense posture. But luckily there was the voice of his wife, he thought, which often brought him back to his senses. These two days had been incredibly hard for him. On the first day he had been somehow able to pull himself together - with difficulty. On the second day, it had become almost impossible to do so. He had struggled and then, when his inner voice had suddenly become so loud that he could not hear anything else, he had finally lost control. That happened this morning shortly after the beginning of the first lesson. His rage had become so out of control that he had even ignored his wife, who had tried to strengthen him and support him. Now it was evening and he could neither apologize nor thank her, since he had not seen her since the end of the morning lessons. Cursed were the students and their lack of understanding for transfiguration...