Into the Light

The man behind the magic

-December-

Julie entered the office, shivering. Severus was immediately at her side and shoved her into the armchair in front of his fireplace. The pleasant warmth of the fire, which Julie felt in her face, made her at once somewhat tired. Severus, kneeling before her on the floor, had already found her hands under her cloak, which he now held firmly to warm them up.

"I remember that you were not freezing so much last year," he said, and then placed a kiss on the back of her hand.

"Last year it wasn't as cold as this year," she said softly.

Severus stood up and pulled his armchair closer to hers. He pulled his wand and with a little flick, the flames in the fireplace blazed up. Then he reached for her hands again, which had already become warmer.

Julie looked at Severus mischievously. "You are breaking the rules," she said with a twinkle in her eyes.

Severus grinned, and to her surprise, blushed slightly. He glanced up at the door and cleared his throat before he looked into her eyes, "Thanks to our rules, no one has noticed it yet," he said, clearly satisfied.

Julie smiled quietly to herself. It was already December and until now, no one knew about their relationship. There were guesses among the teachers, who practically never left Severus and Julie out of sight. She was glad about this fact as it had given them the opportunity to spent a lot of time together and get to know each other better. Nobody expected anything from them, as neither Severus nor Julie had done anything to confirm their assumption. Even if they were alone, Severus was very reserved. Julie wondered often, why this was the case, and she guessed he was doing it to keep their secret. And perhaps for another reason, which Julie had long suspected.

Severus watched Julie, whose eyes were fixed on their hands. To his delight, they had spent much time with each other during the last two months. No one knew what had happened between them, but Severus knew the guesses that Albus and Minerva had. Poppy had been indignant every time she had asked him if he and Julie were getting closer and Severus hadn't replied. Of course, he would let her know.. some day. But when the time had come, he would tell her first. Severus enjoyed this time when he was alone with Julie to the fullest. One side in him did not want this to change, while the other side in him longed for more. But there would not be more, as long as he wanted to enjoy their togetherness in the way he had done so far.

He could not have both. Too often he was visited by someone at night, mostly Minerva. And Albus, well, Albus appeared in Severus' private rooms whenever he liked. Severus' gaze wandered to their hands, which were still intertwined. If he asked Julie if she wanted to be with him, if she wanted to share his bed with him, that would mean the end of their secret relationship. He would have to make it official, to give them more privacy. No one would suddenly burst in his private rooms. Every day Severus felt torn between his desires, and every day he decided to wait.

But slowly the pressure in him became too strong. It was a natural need, which he still suppressed, which became more difficult every day. He could control his thoughts and his body perfectly. An ability which he had learned in Voldemort's time, which had been vital. He did not have to force himself to do this. He had the choice, or should he say, he had the freedom to let go of control? But it was not easy for him to do this consciously, since he was still anchored in this habit. A part of him still believed that this control was necessary to survive. And this part of him was very stubborn. Severus would need distance, distance to Hogwarts, in order to let go.

"Severus," Julie said softly, tearing him from his thoughts. "Soon the Christmas holidays will begin. I thought it would be nice if we were going to my parents."