Into the Light

Motivated by Love

Snape sat behind his desk and rolled his wand back and forth between his thumb and forefinger. As much as he had tried, he could not forget Julie's words. She had told him that on the day when Salvage had attempted to involve her in the practical exercises, the memories of her past had returned. Julie had stated that the more she had tried to push them aside, the more violently they had returned.

He did exactly the same thing as Julie had once done. He could not afford the weakness to allow his memories to overpower him. Julie had understood that she would not be able to push her memories away. She had finally looked at her memories, which had surprisingly led her to an important realization. A realization which had made it possible for her to grow, so that she could now cope with the events, which had happened in her live.

Snape, however, was quite able to master his memories and to banish them in the depths of his being. During the day, he was often the master of his thoughts. And at night he had managed after much effort, to imprison the dark and agonizing impressions of his life with a sleeping potion. His dreams had become empty and emotionless, but at least his conscience no longer tormented him with pictures from his past. But then Julie had come into his life and her presence had awakened a side of him, which he had not known before. She had brought emotions into his life. Unknown emotions, which he had begun to appreciate slowly. His dreams were suddenly vibrant and full of color.

Snape suppressed these feelings during the day as well as he could. First he thought that he did this because he wanted to follow Poppy's advise. But then he understood that he did it for his own interest. He hesitated to allow those feelings to guide him, as he was afraid of losing control of the darker memories, which were still locked inside him.
He had always believed the ability to control his emotions and thoughts to be a strength. It had secured his survival for many years. Without this ability, he would have become another victim who died painfully by Voldemort's vile torture. This ability had become his closest companion. Highly reliable and indispensable. He knew that at some point he had to consciously give up this kind of control, but he was not willing to do so. Not now. It was not easy to part with it.

But his so-called strength, was eventually something else. Something that he hadn't expected. He had believed to be strong until the day came when Julie had spoken to him about her experience. Now he understood that it showed his weakness. He was not strong by repressing his memories, he was too weak to face them. Snape tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but failed miserably. The unpleasant feeling of being suffocated caused in him a fear that crept slowly and icily through his body and seemed to paralyze him more and more. Snape's hand went to his drawer and he opened it slowly. His eyes fell on a small vial and he took it, opened it, and drank the potion. Snape ignored the bitter taste and focused on the pleasant feeling that began to spread through him shortly afterwards. It calmed him, turned the cold in his body in a warm feeling and that was exactly that what he needed now. He knew that someday he had to make the same step that Julie had already done, but he was not yet ready for it. How could he? Should he show her his weakness? No! Snape shook his head emphatically, leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

He heard a knock and that soon afterwards the door opened. His reaction was slow. Snape tried to open his eyes and saw Julie, who approached him with a frown.

"Has something happened," she asked, eyeing him worriedly.

Snape opened his mouth to say something, but he could find no words. His expressionless gaze fell on the empty vial, which was still lying on his desk. Before he could pick it up, Julie had already taken it. She looked at it critically before she smelled it.

"What is that," she asked curiously, her eyes fixed on Snape.

"This is a vial," he said, unwilling to tell her more about its former contents. It would be impossible for Julie to find out more about it, because the potion was one of his own creations, which he had brewed for himself.