Into the Light

Curiosity and other disturbances

Snape drew the curtain, turned on the water and stepped inside his shower. He closed his eyes and leant his forehead slowly against the cold stone wall. Snape tried to feel anything anymore. Nothing but the cold water which was incessantly drizzling down on him. But no matter how hard he tried, he failed. The memory of Miss Abbott governed his mind and controlled his senses. There was nothing he could do about it. Finally, he turned off the water and left the shower. He grabbed a towel and began to dry himself. Snape's cold gaze fell once again at his reflection and he despised himself for his weakness.
He had overcome many dangers and survived great suffering. Sometimes he wondered why he was still in his right mind. His students had certainly a different opinion about him because they saw his inner demons every day. But Snape knew that he was in his right mind. Deep within him lived the insanity and yet he was able to live a relatively normal life. Fate had shown him the merciless reality of life before he was an adult. Boundless curiosity and his interest in the dark arts of magic had brought him on one side immense wealth in the form of knowledge and power. On the other hand, it had broken his spirit. He was a split personality, which seemed outwardly cold and aloof, but was inwardly fragile and desperate. Knowledge and power had early taken their toll. The memories of torture and pain still burned brightly in him. Whether he had experienced it at the hands of the Dark Lord or in Azkaban, made no difference. The pain and suffering had been the same. Snape did not know how he could extinguish the fire of remembrance. Dark memories haunted his dreams. They tortured him. Snape knew that there was no cure for him. However, although the times had changed and Snape was a free man today, he lived daily with the insanity that would accompany him for as long as he lived.
But as if his life was not painful enough, fate had struck again. This time in the form of a student - Julie Abbott. Curiosity burned again in him. But this time it was different. The urge which had deeply lain in him concealed, required attention. It forced him to his knees and Snape did not feel able to put up a fight against it. It was a force of his masculine nature. He longed for something he had never experienced before. He felt weak and vulnerable and he hated that feeling abysmally. His mood darkened and he left his bathroom to dress. The day was far from over.

Snape walked toward Slytherin's common room. His ebony robe trailed behind him and his footsteps echoed through the gloomy corridor. His expression was serious and cold but those few who knew him could see the doubts which lay hidden behind his facade of indifference and coldness. Doubts which he had buried deep within himself. Today they had forcibly resurfaced. Even a cold shower, which had often helped him to a clear head, had brought no satisfactory result. Snape snarled audibly and quickened his pace. His face darkened as he entered Slytherin's common room.

It was already evening and Slytherin's students sat together and waited for news. By now, everyone knew what had happened during Snape's lesson. Snape entered the room authoritatively and Jean jumped up immediately.

"How is she doing?"

Snape stared at her reproachfully.

"It could be worse." He replied coldly.

Amycus turned to Snape, blame was written all over his face.

"And what says Madam Pomfrey?" He asked in a voice that was full of concern.

Snape looked at him darkly.

"Madam Pomfrey hopes that Miss Abbott can resume her studies after spending a full week in the hospital wing. Until further notice, however, all visits are p r o h i b i t e d!"

Jean was outraged "Why?"

"Silence," Snape gave Jean a look as if he if he wanted to strangle her, "This is the decision of Madam Pomfrey. She has plenty of experience and is a master in the art of healing."