Notes (Lashton)

15

California was hectic.

We couldn't see Lilly until the day after we arrived. Not that it mattered much; she wasn't conscious.

I cried, and so did my mother. So did almost every other family member that came to see her. She had almost no hope of recovery, with her chance going down as more time passed.

It was a terrible time. We were informed that, by the end of the week, she'd either be doing better or gone. She was really only staying alive by the countless machines she was hooked up to, but even those could only maintain a slow heartbeat.

The first half of our time there, my life consisted of only sleep, food, homework, and hospital visits. Sometimes I would catch up with a member of my family that I hadn't seen in years. More often, though, I'd be alone with Lillian, praying and begging for her to come back. To be okay.

One night, Ashton and I Skyped. That was the night we finished our project completely. It would be ready to present the day it was due.

After we hung up, I couldn't get the way he laughed, smiled, or told me that my blush was cute out of my head. It led me to imagining a future with him, with children and marriage and living together.

It was making me happy, and giving me a feeling that I can only describe as giddy. Why?

And then it hit me. And it terrified me.

It terrified me because I had seen the effect of it, where people would not even be able to get out of bed, paralyzed by the fact that their feelings weren't returned.

I had witnessed it when my parents divorced, when my mom would pretend to be sleeping but I could hear her sobbing almost every night for months and months.

I saw it when my dad's first girlfriend after my mom left him, and he could barely take care of my brothers, or even himself, because he could barely get himself to do anything.

Or when Lillian's boyfriend cheated on her, and she told me how bad she wanted him back daily for nearly a year. He absolutely broke her.

I was in love with Ashton.

And it terrified me.