As I Am.......By Kennie Ellis

Chapter 17

ME know that everything I'm aboutto say and have said is the truth, I like you, I want to get to know you... Please allow me too. I don't know what Lisa said to you, she's such an vindictive bitch no telling what was said, but I'll tell you whatever you want to know I have noting to hide.   I had cried in silence I was hurt and felt humilated. I knew how badly our program needed funding and although Micheal's Dad is a womanizing ass I could not jeropize messing it up for my kids.  ME listen to me Micheal's dad has always been like that, that's why Micheal made it a point to go as far away to school as he could he found himself following in his dad's footsteops and he seen how it hurt his mother he vowed never to be like him...Paul I understand we can't choose our parents . Look can we just drop it please sure all I could think about is how hurt I was or was it just embarrassment. Paul asked if he could kiss me goodnight I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and as I turned to go in he said you were the most beautiful woman there and I was so proud to say you were with me.. "Why did that feel like a crock of shit" that's how low I felt. As soon as I got in the house  my phone was ringing it was Micheal I didn't answer  I allowed the machine to get it. 2 minutes later it ranged again machine .He did this about 7 times DJ hollars please answer that damn man's call ME you said yourself he did noting.Hello ME look I know it's late but can I please come

over for a minute so we can talk no. Why? I need to talk to you? Why are you mad at me? What did I do?I'm not mad at you!! and you did noting!!!!! Then why won't you talk to me you couldn't even look at me why? I said my goodbyes I extended my gratitude and appreciation what else was I suppose to do ? Fuckin talk to me... You'll listening to what every one else have to say but you want hear me out that's  bullshit. I don't beg no one for noting so good night .(He hung up before I could say anything ,he's now pissed). (I was too tired, hurt and disappointed to arugue)

Fuck this I'm done!!! I've done noting !!! noting at all !!! and she's just fuckin shutting me out . I was pacing my room back and fourth I was so mad at myself Lisa those fucking women I knew it I knew this was going to happen. I'm not going to worry about it I owe her ass noting  and she owe's me noting. So its all good. I finally stop pacing and tried to sleep I tossed and turn all I could think about was ME and how gorgeous she was. I wish I would have taken her in my arms and showed her how strong my feeling are.. But naw I had to let them dam bitches mess it up.I can't let her go. That damn woman is ingrained  in my  spirit.. I don't know why she's there but she is and I can't get pass this. God help me .

I laid in my bed thinking of Michael and allowing tears to flow as if my heart was breaking into pieces. This man is hurting me to my core and he's never touched me, kissed me or even copped a feel so why do I feel so hurt. Maybe I'm was just embarrassed. after crying and going through I finally was able to lay it down and sleep. I was so glad tomorrow was Sunday I needed to go to the alter.  I got up to get ready for church the phone actually woke me up,  Hello, Hello ME this is Micheal's Grandmother,  how are you dear, I'm good thank you well that's good to hear. Can you come see me today around 3pm. I wanted to say no but I couldn't to her so I agreed to come over. Should I bring something no just yourself..I was going to church but I hadn't had much sleep and now that I'm going to see GranmyI need some more sleep. I went right back to bed (Bed side Baptist Today).

Hello Michael hi grandma how are you? I'm fine the question is how are ? I've been better. But its all good. Micheal can you come over. Around 3pm sure grandma do I need to bring something no just yourself.. Ok grandma I'm going back to sleep for awhile I see you around 2:45pm. Don't forget to bring me some sweet tea with lemon.. Yes Ma'mebye Granmy, Bye Mikey.

(Grandmother Thoughts & Wisdom) ..Now I don't usually interfere in my grandson's affairs but  know that this woman is special I can see it all over him. She does something to him that he can't explain and when a person does that, that means only one thing they were God sent. What's going to be will be but I don't want his stubbornness and his ego to step in the way of love. Yes I believe my grandson is in love. Now you probably asking the question how? they've did noting he's not really said anything, they haven't even went out on a date yet. But Love can begin long before any of those things take place. As we old folks say Love is a connections of two souls that  inter twines themselves by the forces of God and when those forces come together the sometimes simplest and natural events are the most significant ones. Such as a simple touch of the hand  that makes your body tremble and brings a sensation to you that is unexplained. A gesture of kindness for other people that's a reflection of one person's influence and you are com paled to do something to not only help them but someone else. See generations today don't understand that type of love many think it's about credit scores, 401K's and stock options and as time continues to move forward love becomes almost non-existent.  So Lord if it be your will help me to help them both see what you've so graciously brought together and if it be your will bring happiness and clarity to both.

Sunday morning was here I wasn't going to get up and attend church because I got in so late but I need to give God his time. I also need to get somethings off my spirit. Last night things were revealed to me that did not have to be. Paul revelaed his true friendship and care for me. Why could I not focus on him and not Micheal. But it was something about Micheal that I wanted to be with I knew he could never love a woman like me but it was something about his eyes a kindness and a loneiness that surfaced that I yearned to fill.  I know that I have to stop allowing   people's opinions of me get me to self doubt. I continue to struggle with my own insecurities. I know that I have to change my image of myself, I'm taking this struggle straight to God.. In finally getting my butt up and getting dressed I  bumped into Troy coming out of my sister's bedroom,  I've known Troy for so long it  didn't  feel weird at all althrough he's knocking boots with my sis. . Good morning ME good morning Troy, DJ came out of her bedroom hey ME hey you, ahhh Troy since you stayed as a guest you should cook breakfast I died laughing who me yeah you... I'm not talking to that owl coming from your throat (lol)   you're always eating over here when you come anyway and you staying now,  might as well make yourself handy (we both laugh) man sisters really. Noting for me guys I'm going to get ready for church then I'm going to see Micheal's grandmother. Huh?  she called me late last night or should I say early morning and invited me over at 3pm, I don't know why but she's so sweet and I enjoyed her company at my last visit.  In preparing for church I wondered why Micheal's grandmother wanted to see me. I hope I didn't make a complete ass out of myself last night. My feelings was so heart I truly don't remember all  I did and didn't do.  As I finished dressing the door bell ranged, I answered and who was standing there  Paul. 

Hello ME I didn't know if you were going to church or not but I wanted to see you.. He had purple tullips (Thank you) I wanted you to know that i meant what I said last night, I want to get to know you be here for you and protect you if you will allow me to. (I smiled thank you for being there for me last night and being a great escort). Paul I am on my way to church ME may I call you later sure. 

I arrived at church and Thank you Jesus I went. My Pastor spoke of forgiveness and acceptance , and understanding God's purpose for his children. I truly needed to hear that message. The choir begin to sing the song "Yes" I became so full within my spirit...that tears flowed down my cheeks. Why can't I be enough for myself and someone else. I've been so Blessed in my life and yet I feel so incomplete and alone.   I cried and prayed  asking for clarity from my God.  In going up to the alter and praying I returned back to my seat feeling a little better however it was crystal clear that I  had to do some serious work on myself. After church I drove awhile just clearing my head and getting myself prepared to go to Micheal's grandmother's house.  

Micheal stayed home all day pondering over and over again what had happened last night. The night was suppose to be this turning point with ME but instead all I could see was the hurt in her eyes. I felt the damage had been done it was noting I could do to make it right.  She has this amazing spirit and when she cries you can feel the joy or pain she's experiencing. I was getting ready to go to my grandmother's when an unexpected knock was on my door who the hell is that. Who is it? I answered as I opened the door it was Lisa.. What are you doing here Lisa you done enough last night . I know Micheal and I'm sorry I didn't mean to disrupt your parents function I have to apologize to them but I first wanted to apologize to you.   I'm not going to pretend like I'm not pissed at you but I just don't have time to get into it right now.Where are you going? to my Grandmother's house. Do you think I could go and apologize to her.I don't want her to think I have no home training and disrespectful. I don't know Lisa I really believe she wants to spend time with just me. Can you ask her for me please it would mean alot to me  let me call her. I called my Granmy..Hello  this is Mikey (all I could hear was loud noise in the back ground) What is that noise granmy Huh!! she said can you hear me yes . Granmy Lisa wants to know if she come over with me to see you. Yes sure I'll see you when you get here. Ok see you in a bit and I know sweet tea love you too she said and hung up. Well I guess it's ok she said yes. Great I want your family to like me I mean we've been seeing each other for over 2 years and I've never really met anyone on a personal level. What do you mean personal? Micheal you know I really care about you no I love you Lisa don't start that!! Why not you know we're good together. Tell me you don't want me. Lisa I care about you I do but we had a understanding so why change it now. Because I'm 44 and you soon will be 54. I want to be with you. You're the only man that's compatible with me.

Look we have to talk about this but not now.. Do I look ok yes you look fine let's go I'll ride with you Micheal sure that's cool just leave your car in the garage. Oh boy wonder how this visit will end I thought.