The Little Black Book For Guys: Guys Talk About Sex

My Bad Decision

Anonymous, 18

I’d always thought that losing my virginity would be an amazing experience. Frankly, I thought it’d be like in the movies: boy meets girl…—or in my case, boy meets boy, boy falls in love, boy decides that other boy is worthy of being the first to enter him physically as well as emotionally (with protection, of course). I just thought it was natural that it would unfold that way. I’m not a stupid person. I make smart decisions in my life, but sex has a way of fogging your judgment for even the most important decisions.

You see, I was always the virgin. I was the one who nagged my non-virgin friends: “Don’t go shagging yourself around town! AND if you do, always use a damn condom!” All my friends would put up with me because I was a sensible guy, and they knew that I wouldn’t settle for some stupid one-time thing.

I guess we were all wrong.

It all changed when one summer, for some strange reason, I suddenly started meeting all these guys who were interested in me. I mean, how do you go from nothing to, like, a whole bunch of guys talking to you? It’s not like I was an ugly duckling!

Anyway, I suddenly found myself skanking-it-up, so to speak.

I was meeting new guys and just fooling around a bit here and there—and I was totally happy with that, because I was finding myself and I was pleased with the results. And then I guess I started to get carried away; sex can be one dangerous tool, in more ways than one!

But I wasn’t thinking about that when I met this one guy —over the internet, of all places. Now, I know all the stuff about being careful about who you meet online, but when you’re a homo in your late teens, it’s really not that easy to pick up other guys, trust me, so the internet comes in handy. Even so, when I met this guy, I made sure we chatted online and then over the phone for weeks and weeks until I felt comfortable with him. Of course, sex came up as a topic several times between us, but at first I only joked about it. Later, I told him that I was a virgin and that I had no intention of doing anything with him to change that.

Eventually, we arr anged to meet. He had a car, so it was more convenient for him to pick me up. Well, one minute he was picking me up, and the next we were in a parking lot in the backseat of his car in our underwear. This was almost the worst part ’cause I don’t even like stripping down to my undies for the doctor. How dare I do this—with someone I’ve only known in person for 15 minutes?!

Anyway, kissing, sucking, and touching went on for a bit, and then I found myself exposed to him and him to me. Next thing I knew, he was leaning over to the front to grab a tube of lube from the glove compartment. Even as he squeezed some lube into his hand, not once did I really think we were going to have sex. It’s not that I didn’t want to; I was so caught up in the moment—as people too often are in these situations—that I felt like I was up for anything.

Then he went in and my virginity was gone. It wasn’t magical. There wasn’t any pretty synthesized violin-type music playing. It was just the sound of our breath, the cars around us driving by, and the wind blowing. It sounds sexy and raw, but it was just not what I had dreamt of, and trust me, I’d dreamt of that moment in detail. You may also have noticed by now that I didn’t mention anything about a condom. That’s because he didn’t use one—why? I don’t know. I didn’t even THINK about it at the time. If I didn’t really think he’d stick his penis in me, then why would I think of needing a condom?

To put icing on this cake of love and joy, a week or so after we had sex (we had sex, he didn’t make love to me), the bastard had the nerve to tell me that I’d lied to him about the fact that I was a virgin—OF WHICH was so true, I don’t even know how to express to you how true it was. Anyway, I didn’t see him again after that.

I’m not stupid and I don’t usually make stupid decisions.

Most of the time, I feel I’m a strong person, but I know now that I can have moments of weakness. Having unprotected sex with a near stranger was the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever done.

Even though I’m very lucky to be clean and healthy, the whole experience is still something that I regret. I don’t want to have to face living with that kind of bad decision ever again.