The Little Black Book For Guys: Guys Talk About Sex

The BIG Conversation: Coming Out to Parents

The BIG Conversation: Coming Out to Parents 

by Andrew Coimbra 

 During our sexual lifetimes, there are some conversations we never want have to have with our parents. But, hey, some topics are unavoidable. Ever had to tell your parents something like “I got someone pregnant” or “I have a sexually transmitted infection”? If yes, then you know it can be scary as hell. Well, for many gay people, telling their parents they are gay is one of the scariest things they will ever have to do. Let’s face it, being young and lesbian, gay, or bisexual means you have to put up with a lot. Some people think all kinds of negative things about gay people and all kinds of negative things about teenagers, so being both can cause you a lot of problems. 

If you are gay, you know what I’m talking about. But hey, you’ve made it this far, right? It sucks to have to hide who you are from the people around you. It’s exhausting and it can make you pull away from the people that are close to you, including your parents. If you decide that you do want to tell them you are gay, you’re gonna want to prepare. Make a plan, man. 

Here are some ideas: 

 Do it when you feel ready 

Coming out is a huge decision and it’s something you should only do when you are ready. Don’t come out to your parents because someone else is pressuring you to do it. Make sure it is your decision. And whatever you do, don’t come out to your parents when you are drunk, high, or angry. That’s just asking for trouble. Don’t sweat it if you keep changing your mind about when you’re gonna do it. Sometimes it just isn’t the right time. The good news is that you have plenty of time, so don’t rush into anything. 

Pick a time and place 

You’re in charge, so plan the event carefully. Pick a time and place that makes you feel safe and in control. Also pick a time when you and your folks can actually talk. Don’t do it right before they have to go to work or when your grandma is on her way over with a pork roast. Pick somewhere that is comfortable for you and private. You want someplace familiar, like your living room, but you don’t want your little brother bursting in with his friends. 

 Be prepared 

You know all about being a real¬life gay person, right? But your parents might not have a lot of real information about gay people. Fire up your printer, brush off your library card, and gather some FAQ sheets, articles, books, or pamphlets to help them learn more. If you look around (like on the websites listed in Resources), you’ll find that there is some great information available for parents. There are even other parents out there who can help folks like yours understand and support their gay kids. 

Have a safety plan 

Like with a fire drill, you want to know where to go and what to do in an emergency. Truth is, no matter how well you plan all this, sometimes things don’t go down the way we want them to. Make sure you have somewhere safe to go to if your parents react badly. Maybe a friend’s house. Your parents may just need some time to cool off, but don’t get caught by surprise. You don’t ant to suddenly have nowhere to go or no one to turn to. 

 Be patient 

You’ve probably known you were gay for a long time. Your folks, on the other hand, are likely hearing it (or even thinking about it) for the first time. Don’t be surprised if they need some time to think about it and accept it. Remember that they may know nothing about gay people except a bunch of myths. But stay cool, be patient, and let them learn more. Help them when they need it. 

 Be direct and honest 

Take a deep breath and just tell them you are gay. Seriously, it’s usually easier to just come out and say it. Talking around it and avoiding using the g-¬word can just make everybody more nervous and cause a lot of confusion. Let your folks know you love them and tell them what you need from them. Even if they can’t or won’t give it to you right away, it’s important that you say it. Answer any questions they have as honestly and clearly as you can. Yeah, it may be uncomfortable for all of you, but honesty can help build that trust stuff, and you’re going to need a lot of both to get through this. 

Reflect 

Okay, after you’ve told your parents and when you are alone, take a deep breath and relax. Coming out to parents is one of the most difficult things a gay person can do and you have just done it! So maybe it didn’t go the way you hoped, wrapped up all neat and tidy like some 1980s sitcom, but it’s done and you rock for doing it. Think about what you just accomplished and be proud of yourself, bro! 

Let’s face it, coming out to parents is never gonna be an easy thing to do. It’s risky business - some people lose their families when they come out. So think about your family and how they might react. Some parents are accepting right away and some may take years to be cool with it. Either way, make sure you have your own support system of people such as friends, teachers, and/or counselors to help you out. Remember, too, that there is plenty of support available to parents and families. PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is an organization that helps parents deal with the news that their child is gay. Check out the back of this book for more info about PFLAG and other organizations like it.