The Little Black Book For Guys: Guys Talk About Sex

Balls!

Balls!

by The Group

Balls. Nuts. Bollocks. Cojones. Whatever you call 'em, if you've got a dick, you've also got testicles. You can't have the wiener without the beans, right? But just what are these things?

THE EQUIPMENT

Testicles

Testicles are actually internal organs, not the kind you play during the free­skate at the indoor ice rink (or maybe you do play with yours at the skating rink, but we're not here to judge), but the kind that's inside your body taking care of business. In this case, your balls' business is making testosterone and sperm, and that's what they do all day long.

Sperm­making works best when things are not too hot and not too cold. That's why your balls hang outside your body-it's too hot up in there, bro! But if it gets too cold to dangle, they'll huddle up like it's a time out at the Super Bowl. And now you know why it hurts like hell to get nailed in the nuts-they're basically internal organs on the outside. It also really hurts to get kicked in the heart, but at least that sucker is protected by your rib cage!

Scrotum

But obviously your balls aren't really hanging out all exposed. For no extra cost they come with a handsome carrying case: the scrotum. Scrotum is just a fancier word for "ball sack" and one size fits all. Actually, scrotums come in lots of sizes, just like testicles. Do your balls hang low? Can you toss 'em to and fro? Doesn't matter. Low or high, big or small, hanging crooked or even­steven, testicles all work the same way-unless they don't...

MALFUNCTIONS

Just like with any body part, stuff can go wrong with your balls. Since this particular body part is near and dear to most guys, it's good to know about the wrong so you can make it right again ASAP. Lucky for you, we did the legwork (ballwork?) about testicular malfunctions. Here's what we found:

Testicular Cancer

Any kind of cancer sucks balls. Testicular cancer sucks for your balls...and it can occur in guys as young as 15. In a nutshell (so to speak), testicular cancer is when out­of­control cancer cells start growing like mad on and around your testicles. If they grow enough, they'll start interfering with how your balls work, and can even spread to-and shut down-other parts of your body until it kills you. Shit.

The good news is that testicular cancer is completely curable IF IT IS DETECTED EARLY ENOUGH! How do you detect it? By using your fingers to cop a feel of your own balls. Squeeze 'em. Rub 'em. Get to know 'em reeeeal well, 'cause then you'll know if anything feels wrong. Wrong will feel like lumps of tissue that weren't there before. If you feel a lump, even if you THINK you feel a lump, get it checked out by your doctor. Better be safe than dead. Try to check your balls like this at least once a month, but do it behind closed doors (we're looking at you, guy­who­plays­with­his­balls­at­the­skating­rink).

Varicoceles

Very­what­now? Inside your nut sack, there are a bunch of veins bringing blood to your balls so they can do their job. A varico­cele is when some valve controlling the blood flow stops doing its job properly and the veins have to carry an extra load. The vein gets wider and your scrotum can end up feeling like a bag of ropes. It doesn't usually hurt, but it can affect the size of your testicles and may screw things up if you want to have kids someday. It can be fixed with a simple surgery. You are most at risk of developing varicoceles between the ages of 15 and 25, but it only develops in about 1 in 6 guys.

Testicular Torsion

Erk-just the name of this one sounds painful. Testicular torsion is when one of your balls gets twisted on the cord that connects it to the inside of your body. The twisting cuts off the blood flow and it hurts like hell. That's actually a good thing because it'll make you seek help right away. Getting treatment fast is important to saving the testicle. Sometimes a doctor can fix it by carefully untwisting things by hand, but you'll still need surgery to make sure it doesn't happen again. This one is also most common in younger guys and affects 1 in 10 people.

Undescended Testicle

If you have this, doctors would probably have spotted it already 'cause you hadn't even been born yet when it hap­pened. Or didn't happen, actually. An undescended testicle is exactly what it sounds like-when your body was forming, one of your balls didn't make the trip from being tucked up inside your body to hanging out in your scrotum. That can screw up your chances of someday having kids, so doctors would have surgically removed the undescended testicle when you were one or two years old. Sometimes, although very rarely, a kid with a hide­and­seek ball slips through to puberty without it being diagnosed. That can put a fella at a higher risk of infertility and testicular cancer. Fortunately, you can have the surgery at any age. Unfortunately, having an undescended testicle-even if it's corrected when you're a baby-puts you in a higher risk group for developing testicular cancer. So check that remaining ball for lumps as often as you can!

Epididymitis

Or what we like to call "ouchy balls." Epididymitis is actually a painful swelling of the tube connected to your balls that carries the sperm. Whatever. If your balls are red and swollen and in pain, you don't need this book to tell you to get to a doctor. We will tell you that epididymitis is often caused by sexually trans­mitted infections like gonorrhea and chlamydia. See Chapter 4, on STIs for more info. And for crap's sake, get to a doctor!

Blue Balls

Okay, this one isn't a malfunction. It's not even a problem compared to the other stuff on this list. Blue balls can happen if you've been turned on and hard for a long time (we're talking hours of perpetual erection) without getting off or cooling down. If this happens, your balls may ache and turn a little blue. Just like some of the veins in your arms and legs appear blue, blue balls get their color from blood with less oxygen in it. If you've been hard for hours, there's simply more blood hanging out in your crotch region. That older blood shows up blue. It may be accompanied by an uncomfortable ache, but it is NOT HARMFUL. So don't try to con your partner into thinking you'll die if you don't get off. Ain't nothing that jerking yourself off or a cold shower can't fix. Deal with it.