Musings Of A Modern Muslimah

Marriage: Unrealistic Standards

There has been several times where I would randomly think about marriage in Islam. Most likely, this isn't going to be the last time I write about this topic, so be prepared! Anyways, so most of you probably know that I'm 17 but I talk to older people so obviously the topic of marriage comes up. If you're non-Muslim I'm guessing there have been times where you thought about it, but in Islam, we are encouraged to get married young to protect us from sinning (you know what I mean). In most of my conversation with my old friends, we usually delve into specific traits that we would want in a husband, and I swear to you when I say this, my friends must have had this secret hatred for me. Why? Because the only 2 traits that I say are

a) Has to be a good Muslim

b) Has a kind heart

That's it.

No I'm serious, that's it

For some reason I always get "Oh but your lying, that can't be it" but honestly it is. Those are my two MUST haves. Preferences like physical appearance can change over time right? I'm pretty sure most of us find people attractive for different reasons now then when we were 13 or 14 years old. Anyways, I find it odd that people are mixing needs with wants when it comes to a potential husband. You're husband does NEED to have perfect teeth; you just WANT him to. Catch my drift here?

So anyways, back to the conversation with some my friends from high school. So after I finish telling them my must have's when it comes to a potential husband, they take a big breath and literally give me 30 things that they would "need" in their husband. What's hilarious is that most of them are ridiculous. Like for example: "My husband needs to have a high paying job". Okay but why does he need too? There's a difference from being financial stable and basically wanting to mooch money off of you're husband (big difference). Another thing that I have to add is why does he need to be having such a high paying job when you could've (or still could) get the exact high paying job that you so desperately want. If you want someone to make 6 figures, than girl you better be making 6 figures yourself (that's all I'm saying). Now I don't have a problem when people differentiate need from want. Now if you want someone who has a respectable career path then okay I completely understand, but if that stops you from meeting say the most awesome person you'll ever meet but doesn't meet you're outrageous career standards, then please revaluate yourself because just typing that out makes me sad. I also want to clarify something. Instead of wanting a guy to have this amazing career, why doesn't anyone look for someone with ambition? This confused me and will always confuse me. If they have the ambition to aspire to become something better (in anything whether it be religion, or careers etc.) why do we shut them down? I would love to know the answer to that, cause literally I'm stumped.

Another unrealistic requirement that I've heard is ALWAYS about physical beauty. Now, now everyone, I wont sit here and lie and say "beauty doesn't mean anything!" because it does (you would have to be physically attracted to someone to get to know their inside as well) but that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about crazy things like specific foot size, specific eye colour, specific skin colour, and stuff like that! Are you kidding me? "My future husband must have green eyes, tan skin, and must be at least 6'4" well good luck to you! And if you're thinking, "Oh my Asiyah, you're being so unrealistic! Nobody thinks like that'! I'm sorry to tell you but you're wrong.

Many many many MANY times, I've had encounters with girls who say that if their husband isn't 6ft 6 minimum that they wouldn't even consider marrying them. Like is that a joke? What's even funnier is that these girls are usually like my height (5'1 to 5'4). You want even be taller then them so I don't understand why you're so picky! So what is he's 5'8? He's willing to love and care for you! Does that not mean anything?

Don't feel bad though, that wasnt meant to make fun of girls who think that way (because some of us do) just remember the difference between need and want. By the way girls, we are not the only ones who are guilty of this, men are too.

How many times have I heard guys talk about how their wives HAVE to be light skinned? ((if you're African, you'll totally understand this) or know how to cook (if you're family has any cultural background, you will understand this). There's even crazy stuff like Muslim men saying that their wives must have straight light silky smooth hair. Um, I'm African, and I have a mane on my head, I'm guessing I wouldn't fit the bill right? I've even heard some of the most disgusting comments like "My wife must be dumber than I am so I can tell her what to do". Excuse me sir, but when did you get the idea that women are meant to be controlled by you? You shouldn't have that idea.

So basically to sum things up you guys, fantasy's are fiction for a reason. Theres no harm in dreaming of what you're potential spouse may look like. As muslims, we believe that God has already made our other half so instead of stressing guys wait patiently! they'll come and find you sooner or later :)